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We just had an election, which I only passively paid attention to. Bernie Sanders won Oregon, much to no one's surprise, and Ted Wheeler is now our mayor-elect. That's pretty dope. I have absolutely no idea where Ted Wheeler stands on the issues, but I met him once, so now I assume I have diplomatic immunity and can do whatever I want.
We're getting a new mayor. We'll soon be voting on a new president. We live in changing times, and that always seems even more evident during election season. And while change can be scary, there's one thing we as a society should fear above all else:
All-female reboots of classic comedy films.
People are still upset about the all-female Ghostbusters reboot, which seems like a waste of anger. There are so many other important issues; and, besides that, there are so many other movies to hate. There's about to be an Angry Birds movie. Is that the world we need to live in? Do we think so little of ourselves? We're all gonna sound like lunatics when we look our grandchildren in the eyes and say, "When I was your age we had gender, capitalism, fresh water, the state of California, bees, and a movie adapted from a cellphone game where you threw birds at pigs and cinderblocks. But we sure as hell didn't have no women bustin' no ghosts!"
When I think about it, my only concern is that the upcoming Ghostbusters film, much like Star Wars: The Force Awakens, will drop the ball on its singular Black character and come across as casually racist. I'm willing to buy that—even in the 32 years since the release of the first Ghostbusters movie—scientists of the paranormal were so wrapped up in capturing the undead that they failed to make any more than one Black friend per foursome. But I refuse to believe in a world where a giant Marshmallow Man can attack a city wherein not even one Black person has attained a Ph.D. in busting ghosts.
It's strange, because I wouldn't care as much about this film's racial dynamics if it were a remake of Ghostbusters featuring three white male doctors and a Black male subway worker. That's the status quo, and I don't like the status quo, but I'm used to it. But when a film makes a bold move to defy convention and be progressive, then I raise my expectations. That's why it's always so upsetting to witness any sort of bigotry in films predominantly featuring People of Color, and that's why it's a shame to see racism in movies dedicated to promoting female voices. I realize that in an ideal world where everyone is equal, I wouldn't expect more from this particular film than I would from any other movie. But we don't live in that world, and so any artistic endeavor that prominently features members of any oppressed group inherently comes with all this extra, unshakeable bullshit.
It's unfortunate, but that's one reason why there's so much pressure on this reboot.
The other reason is lots and lots of sexism.
The best-case scenario is that this movie will be amazing, and the sheer cinematic brilliance of this motion picture will force misogynists to immediately change their ways. It's possible this film might be so good that, after its premiere, legislation dedicated to bettering women's sexual health will be rushed through Congress. Birth control will become free and accessible to everyone everywhere. Planned Parenthood will receive an unlimited amount of federal funding. Bathrooms will be for everybody, and everyone will be OK with that. Pro-choice and pro-life protesters will throw aside their elaborate poster boards and race into each other's arms. Sexual violence will simply cease to exist. We will walk hand-in-hand into a brighter tomorrow as this reboot proves to us all that, not only can people of all genders bust ghosts, but we as a collective society can bust through the glass ceiling and end inequality between the sexes.
Realistically, though, this movie will simply be good if not fine. The folks who are already hell-bent on hating the reboot will hate it, but plenty of people will legitimately enjoy the film. I probably won't watch it until it comes out on Netflix, but when anyone says, "Hey, did you see that new Ghostbusters movie?" I'll nod furiously and pretend to know all about it, which is my pro-move when anyone asks me about any film. I haven't actually seen a movie since John Q was in theaters, because John Q was perfect and I don't even know why they kept making movies after that.
The worst-case scenario is that this movie will be terrible.
If this movie is bad, sexists will attempt use the film's failure as proof that women are awful, and the world will be subjected to the pompous blathering of smug jackasses everywhere. Millions of women across the country will be harassed by an army of wretched men equating busting ghosts to busting a nut, and somebody's uncle will get drunk at Thanksgiving and say something like, "Hey, did you see that new lady Ghostbusters movie? I'll tell ya, the only thing my ex-wife—your Aunt Helen—ever busted was my balls."
And then he will laugh the laugh of a broken man who knows he'll die alone.
Because of such gross behavior, normal people—for fear of being lumped in with the sexists—will allow the film plenty of concessions for the sake of making it seem better than it really was. If any of the upcoming all-female reboots do end up being bad, my go-to line will be, "I really liked the lighting." No one knows anything about lighting except the people who get paid to do the lighting, so this is a politely vague way to tell your liberal friends, "I regret spending money to see that thing you need me to say that I enjoyed, but I get how it's important."
Although, even if this film is a disaster, it will still technically be a step toward equality. Because in an equal society, we'd give people of all sexes and genders the chance to disappoint us.
That's why I'm voting for Hillary Clinton.
Regardless of how the upcoming Ghostbusters reboot is received, the porn parodies this film inspires will be phenomenal; and if Bonnie Rotten doesn't play a green fuck-phantom you have to cross streams to defeat, then I give up on this world.
Ultimately, this new Ghostbusters will do what it's always been meant to do: Entertain children and whatever age group "YA" stands for. Because Star Wars isn't for you anymore. Ghostbusters isn't for you anymore. The Angry Birds Movie—though I may loathe it so—is not for you. You're an adult now. You do taxes. You shout, "REPRESENTATIVE!" into your phone at least once a week. When you look at a cardboard box, you don't see a spaceship or a time machine or a castle, you see a fucking cardboard box. Your time is over. You are dying, and no '80s movie remake will ever change that.
There is no hope for us, but there's still hope for the children. That's why the YA demographic is the target audience for progressive filmmakers who hope to enact a slight degree of change. And if history books have taught me anything, it's that marginal change is the most we can ever hope for.
The fact remains, though, that this film has stirred up more than its fair share of controversy, and there's a shitload of money to be made from controversy. So, as part of my ongoing quest to become a rich person, I've brainstormed a list of controversial remakes, reboots and adaptations:
• A shot-by-shot remake of His Girl Friday starring Tig Notaro and Steven Wright. All the dialogue is exactly the same, it just takes way longer to get through.
• An all-Black version of Les Misérables called The Miz.
• Apocalypse Now: The Musical.
• Another Spider-Man reboot for no reason other than that you don't deserve nice things.
• Despite his education, Michael Cera is forced into inhumane working conditions as he fights for survival in Judd Apatow's 12 Years an Intern.
• An all-white remake of Cooley High titled Cooley Montessori School. No one dies though, and everyone gets into a Big Ten college.
• Twelve Angry Women. They're not on jury duty or anything, they're just sick of your bullshit.
• Katt Williams is Prince Akeem in this summer's Coming 2 America.
• A body-positive version of The Good, the Bad and the Ugly called The Good, the Bad, and the ALL BODIES ARE EQUALLY BEAUTIFUL HOW DARE YOU!!!
• Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song ft. Macklemore & Ryan Lewis
• A remake of When Harry Met Sally where they never hook up. They just drift further and further apart, occasionally liking each other's Facebook posts and wondering what might've been. Sally finds someone who makes her feel safe, but not loved. Harry becomes the old guy in a local improv troupe.
• An all-female version of Mystery Men.
• An all-dog version of Cats.
• An all-Black remake of Ace Ventura: Pet Detective where everyone is afraid of dogs. There will also be less transphobia.
• An all-female version of Good Burger. I'm actually serious about this one.
If anyone's got some hot Hollywood connections, hit me up with a Google Doc so we can start working on a script and reeling in that sweet cash, because at least one of these ideas is gonna be a hit. And if you have any reservations about tinkering with the classics, it's important to remember that an artist's work is not disrespected by reinterpretation. It's just like how you can love the original recording of a song and still appreciate a newer version. Sometimes the cover is even better than the original, like anytime anyone performs a Bob Dylan song.
Lay lady, lay.
Willamette Week