I think it's been a pretty busy news week, but I'm not entirely sure because I've spent the past few days in a drunken stupor.

It started when I flew to Indianapolis for a few gigs in the heartland. The shows went well, and afterwards, everyone went out for drinks. One thing led to another, and the next thing I knew it was two days later and I was still drunk in the Midwest, which is, admittedly, redundant.

I took some Advil and flew back to Portland, hoping to act responsibly and to take care of a few items on my to-do list. But then the grocery store had free wine tastings. Then the liquor store had free rye samples. And then the barbershop offered me a few free beers. I ended up hammered by noon because I forgot that Portland gives out free booze with every errand.

The next day, I decided to really get down to business and answer some emails. But I recently started playing this fun drinking game where I take a shot every time I end a correspondence by saying "Cheers!" And I had a lot of semi-casual emails to respond to that day, so I wound up wasted yet again.

So while I'm pretty confident that it's been a busy week for the United States, I'm not entirely sure what happened. And what little I do know has been pieced together from what other drunks have told me. For example, it's my understanding that Kellyanne Conway is now responsible for organizing our federal PTA meetings even though her kid's a bully, she refuses to save her Box Tops, and she only ever brings store-bought cookies to the school's bake sales.

In between drinks last night, someone told me that the U.S. appeals court had prevented Trump from banning Muslim immigration, which I was happy to hear. Personally, I think we should come to a compromise when it comes to who we permit or deny in our country. Muslims and refugees should clearly be allowed in, but any American-raised citizen who refers to apartments as "flats" should be forcibly relocated to Syria.

It's also come to my attention that Jeff Sessions, a man who looks like if KFC's Colonel Sanders joined the Sith, is officially our new, openly bigoted Attorney General. Supposedly, he'll use his new position to somehow make our already extremely racially biased legal system even more racist, which is almost as impressive as it is daunting. In fact, a feature film was released last year exposing Session's plans to divide the American people and progress his own prejudicial political agenda. It was called Zootopia, and it was a real hit with the kids.

Eventually I'll look into all this shit because it's important to stay informed and we should continue voting, calling our senators, and copying and pasting (not sharing) boring posts on Facebook. Though, I also think we should start petitioning our local bars to cut the cost of whiskey for the next four to eight years. After all, we must all be the change we wish to see in the world.