Trump's presidency has dominated the news, and that makes sense. He's a controversial new commander-in-chief whose first few months in office have lead to a tumultuous series of unfortunate events.
But amidst all the political turmoil surrounding The Donald, plenty of other newsworthy stories have been swept under the rug. That's why I'd like to take a moment to talk about an important, underreported issue that is both near and dear to my heart:
Once a year, Taco Bell gets a gymnasium full of eighth graders high as fuck and adds whatever they think of to their official menu. And, to be fair, those stoned young visionaries have completely revolutionized fast food cuisine.
Taco Bell's mere existence proves that inebriated assholes are so infatuated with oddly textured semi-Mexican food that they're willing to accept burritos stuffed with meat that's only 88% beef and 12% shameful remorse. And with a successful track record of dreadful morsels that come in a $5 box, the Naked Chicken Chalupa should have been a success. There's even a precedent of fast food meals using chicken in ways that chicken was never meant to be used.
In 2010, KFC released the Double Down sandwich, which consisted of bacon, cheese, and sauce tucked between two pieces of fried chicken instead of bread. Then, they released Upton Sinclair's greatest nightmare: the Double Down Dog, a hotdog nuzzled in a bun made of fried chicken. Both were short-lived blasphemous monstrosities, but still superior in every way to the unspeakable terror of Burger King's Mac n' Cheetos.
Unfortunately, much like other fried-chicken based sandwich-esque chow, the Naked Chicken Crunchwrap was not long for this world. The flame that burns twice as bright burns half as long, and now the Naked Crunchwrap will join Prince, Carrie Fisher, and Johnny Bravo on the long list of American treasures that were taken too soon.
There's been vague hints from the suits at Taco Bell (assuming, of course, that corporate employees of the fast food chain wear suits instead of tasteless sombreros and gaudy faux-Latinx attire) that the ephemeral, stroke-inducing Chalupa may one day return.
Perhaps the Naked Chicken Chalupa will be to Taco Bell what the McRib is too McDonald's. It'll suddenly reappear on the menu every few months, and people will think, "Oh yeah. I remember that. I'm pretty sure I hated it, but maybe I should give it another try. It is, after all, a special, limited time offer." And then they'll eat one and say, "Never mind. My body's a temple, and this boneless meat mold is the disgusting work of Satan himself."