Donald Trump is setting off on his first big, international jaunt as President.
Over the next few days, The Donald will travel to Brussels (a city famous for its sprouts), Sicily (the birthplace of the Olive Garden and 1980's movies about the mob), Rome (a city that famously took multiple days to build), the Vatican (home to Jude Law, the youngest of the Popes), and Israel (where I assume Trump hopes to get pointers on how to build a really good wall; and, for the record, I'm specifically referencing the Wailing Wall and not the other, deeply complicated wall that the country—countries?—is known for).
But before all that, Trump kicks off his word travels with a trip to Saudi Arabia in The Persian Gulf, presumably because he misread the travel itinerary and assumed he was flying to some fancy sounding golf resort.
Several important events have been schedule for Trump's trip to Saudi Arabia, the most salient of which is a concert exclusively for men to be headlined by Toby Keith (a country musician and owner of Toby Keith's I Heart This Bar & Grill—the one restaurant where, when the waitress asks if you'd like potato skins, you immediately assume she's being derogatory towards the Irish).
And while I'm sure that there are a few gay truckers out there who would jump at the chance to attend an exclusively male Toby Keith concert, I just don't think it'll be Trump's cup of tea. Ironically, though, the concert will most certainly be a teetotalling event considering that the consumption of alcohol is illegal in Saudi Arabia. And in a way, that works well for The Donald since abstaining from alcohol is one of the few things he has in common with Muslims following Sharia law. But it's also a bit of a bummer, because the only way Trump could possibly make an all-male Toby Keith concert tolerable would be to guzzle a gallon of bourbon while huffing ethanol.
Of course, there're plenty of other uncomfortable details about this trip. There's the fact that Trump will be meeting with Omar al-Bashir, who's been indicted for war crimes by the International Criminal Court. There's the fact that, despite issues of human rights violations, Trump had his son-in-law broker one of history's largest arms deals with Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman (which, to be fair, follows a precedent set by Barack Obama). Then there's the fact that, while in Saudi Arabia, Trump is scheduled to give a speech written by Senior Policy Adviser Stephen Miller, the co-author of Trump's executive order calling for a "Muslim ban." But hey, what—aside from everything—could possibly go wrong?
There is some good news, though. Because at least now you get to have the comforting knowledge that Donald Trump is being forced to attend a sober, all-male Toby Keith concert in the middle of a blisteringly hot country surrounded by people who hate him almost as much as he hates them. Because when people say that there's a "special place in hell," that's exactly what they're talking about.