This ain't hiking weather. Instead of braving the frigid winds and endless drizzle, why not get some post-ironic photos for your 'gram. Here are six actually fun inside activities to do in Portland.
509 SW Taylor St., 503-222-5554, glowinggreens.com. Noon-9 pm Sunday-Thursday, noon-11 pm Friday-Saturday. $11.50.
What do you expect to see in the middle of downtown in a semi-large American city? A marble fountain outside the headquarters of an insurance company? Sure. A Hilton? Yurp! How about a pirate-themed, glow-in-the-dark mini-golf course in that Hilton's basement? Welcome to Old Portland! At Glowing Greens, you'll enter through an inauspicious side door that may or may not be manned by a skeletal pirate, from which you'll descend into a world of swashbucklers, zombies, mermaids, zombified mermaids and just about every other creature or theme you would think appropriate for a mini-golf course awash in the soft glow of ultraviolet light and the sound of pulsating EDM. With nary a craft beer or fancy pizza in sight, but novelty souvenirs for a dollar or two aplenty, Glowing Greens feels like a throwback to preteen years when fun was measured in holes-in-one and birdies. WM.
Oaks Park Roller Rink
7805 SE Oaks Park Way, 503-233-5777, oakspark.com. Hours vary (check website). $6.50-$7.50 admission, $2-$5 skate rental.
You might be slightly cuter than you were in seventh grade, but that roller rink is exactly the same, and that's for the best. It's still got that unique odor, the Wurlitzer pipe organ that's been there since 1955, plenty of tan skates with bright-orange laces, and the largest artistic skating team in the nation.
There's nothing more post-ironic than roller skating and claiming, "THIS IS THE BEST PLACE EVER!" and "WHY DO WE NEVER COME HERE?" That is, until you partake in the roller karaoke. SJ.
Lloyd Center Ice Rink
953 Lloyd Center, 503-288-6073, lloydcenterice.com. Hours vary (check website). $13-$15 admission, $4 skate rental.
I first went to the Lloyd Center ice rink in 1999 for a 6th birthday party. Sixteen years later, some things are different. There's a Christmas tree in the center of the new rink, which is now a circle. The sky bridges are gone. There's an H&M. The skates seem nicer. There's fake snow falling. The only things that were the same: I fell a lot and Michelle Kwan is somehow still relevant. But the biggest difference was the large crowd at Lloyd Center. Despite it being the best shopping mall in the city, my last few visits were bleak at best. It's good to have the old Lloyd back—and in this case, the new ice rink helps return it to the bustling, hurried days when you dodged people just to get an All American Frozen Yogurt. SJ.
4811 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 503-548-2923, quarterworldarcade.com. 3 pm-1 am Tuesday-Friday, noon-1 am Saturday-Sunday. $3 for day pass. All ages until 8 pm.
Tired of coughing up quarters to play Battletoads until you're blue in the face with frustration? At QuarterWorld, there's an app for that. Because unmitigated smartphone-assisted access to kitschy cabinets like Tapper and Joust is exactly what the eastside deserves, considering how cramped Ground Kontrol can get on the weekends. Housed in the old Alhambra Theatre, QuarterWorld is a roomy dreamland for retro-game enthusiasts, pinball snobs and hipster dads who will plan family outings here under the ruse of working on the kiddo's hand-eye skills with a rousing game of The House of the Dead 2. And the bao buns and poutine are a huge upgrade over the soggy pizza and fries you'd find at other arcades. PETE COTTELL.
Pips & Bounce
833 SE Belmont St., 503-928-4664, pipsandbounce.com. 3 pm-midnight Monday-Thursday, 3 pm-1 am Friday, noon-1 am Saturday, noon-10 pm Sunday. $15 for 30 minutes (walk-in), $49 for hour (reservation). All ages until 9 pm (Sunday-Thursday) and 7 pm (Friday-Saturday).
You're an adult: You want to blow off steam with your well-adjusted co-workers. Or maybe you're looking for some structured activity in a central spot for a Bumble date. Pips & Bounce offers just that by way of pingpong, throwing in craft beer and fancy pizza for good measure. It opens in the afternoon, but to truly capture the magical throwback to the ice-cream cake and Hot Pocket-stuffed days of your youth, you'll want to visit on Friday and Saturday evenings, when black lights give off the glow of your stoner friend's basement. WM.