DRUNK AND NON-IRISH
The Way Up: Afro-Caribbean Dance Party
Looking to go out dancing? Avoid the hordes of Chads and Beckys downtown. Get down to deep, sexy cuts by DJ Freaky Outty and DJ Solo. Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison St., 503-239-7639, holocene.org. 9 pm Friday, March 17. $10. 21+.
Pillage the Pub
Party with pirates and watch the BilgeRats & Pyrettes perform their "plunderous pirate music." The O'Neill Pub, 6000 NE Glisan St., 503-233-1178, theoneillpub.com. 9 pm Friday, March 17. $10. 21+.
Dirty Leprechaun Fun Run
Get out of the city and into some mud while working off that green beer by running a muddy obstacle course before joining the celebratory boozy bonfire. Lee Farms, 21975 SW 65th Ave., Tualatin, 503-638-1869, terrapinevents.com. 10 am Saturday, March 18. $55-$75 for participants.
Relive your awkward high school days when you could pinch people with little or no consequences at this former high school gym, where this garage-rock duo from Vancouver, B.C., tours in support of its new, James Joyce-themed record, Near to the Wild Heart of Life. Revolution Hall, 1300 SE Stark St., 503-288-3895, revolutionhall.com. 9 pm Friday, March 17. Sold out. All ages.
DRUNK AND IRISH
Kells Irish Beer Festival
This is somehow the very first Irish beer fest at Kells Brewpub—with stouts and milk stouts and nitro stouts and reds and perhaps even quite daring ambers. Have a very mild time! Plan to drink early, because before 4 pm you can get seven tastes for $10, but after 4 pm the price doubles. Kells Brewpub, 210 NW 21st Ave., 503-227-4057, kellsportland.com. 11 am-1 am Friday-Saturday, 10 am-6 pm Sunday, March 17-19. $10-$20.
Kiss My Royal Irish Arse 10th Anniversary
Sing along to the 10th anniversary of Portland-based Pogues tribute band Kiss My Royal Irish Arse. Doug Fir Lounge, 830 E Burnside St., 503-231-9663, dougfirlounge.com. 9 pm Friday, March 17. $15. 21+.
St. Paddy's Day Comedy Massacre
An event to celebrate the enduring spirit of the leprechaun franchise with comedy and killing. Fremont Theater, 2393 NE Fremont St., 503-946-1962, fremonttheater.com. 8 pm Saturday, March 18. $12.
Kells Irish Smoker
There's nothing more authentically Irish than getting piss-drunk and watching two non-professionals beat each other bloody. Note: The fighting is organized, so you don't have to participate! Kells Irish Pub, 112 SW 2nd Ave., 503-227-4057, kellsportland.com. 7 pm Saturday, March 18. $25. 21+.
SOBER AND NON-IRISH
St. Patrick's Day Friday Night Sesh
For some, sobriety means getting baked on cannabis. For some, a big, leafy, dank cannabis flower is the luckiest clover of all. For them, the way to celebrate the day is a smoke sesh. NW Cannabis Club, 1195 SE Powell Blvd., 503-206-4594, nwcannabismarket.com. 8 pm Friday, March 17. $20 lifetime-membership card required, plus $5 daily entry fee.
SOBER AND IRISH
Sellwood-Moreland St. Patrick's Day Parade & Festival
This 100-year-old parish is holding its annual festival with a 5k race, parades, marching bands, a kids' carnival, and good old-fashioned Catholic guilt. St. Agatha Catholic School, 7960 SE 15th Ave., 503-234-5500, stagathaschoolpdx.us. 11 am Saturday, March 18. All ages.
Stumptown LepraCon Costume Dance Party
"Shamrock Shake" across the bridge from downtown and join the festivities dressed in your most ridiculous shamrock shitshow attire. Oregon Convention Center, 777 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd., eventbrite.com. 1 pm Saturday, March 18. $10. 21+.
Magical Strings with Irish River Dancers
A Celtic duo performs traditional Irish music and storytelling accompanied by Irish River Dancers from the Murray School of Irish Dancing. Alberta Rose Theatre, 3000 NE Alberta St., 503-719-6055, albertarosetheatre.com. 3 pm Sunday, March 19. $12-$28. All ages.
All-Ireland Cultural Society's St. Patrick's Day Family Festival
Take the little ones with you for an authentically Irish experience of wincing at the sound of blaring bagpipes. All of the green and ethnic pride with none of the vice and debauchery! Aquinas Hall, 1333 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd. (enter from Clackamas Street), 503-286-4812, oregonirishclub.org. 5 pm Friday, March 17. $4-$12. All ages.