These Are The Rules To Follow At The World’s Largest Bounce House, Which Comes to the Portland-Area This Weekend

☺ Bounce safely.

☺ Wear appropriate bounce-house apparel. We suggest, in particular, loose-fitting spandex.

☺ While we recognize that flailing your limbs wildly while bouncing is a satisfying hedge against the unrelenting sadness of the world, your right to flail your limbs ends where your neighbor's face begins. Conversely, it begins where your neighbor's face ends. It also begins at your shoulder.

☺ Adults must be accompanied by children at all times. Adults without children will be shunned, and removed from the bounce house.

☺ Screaming is a natural reaction to bouncing in the bounce house. But it is allowable only in short increments. Please do not scream continuously.

☺ The bounce house is bigger on the inside than it is on the outside. Do not be alarmed by this. There is room for everyone in the bounce house.

☺ No splashing in the bounce house.

☺ No parking on the bounce house.

☺ No lying down in despair. Bouncers must be happy in the bounce house. Bouncers will have fun at all times.

☺ Please sign the release form before you enter. You will be filmed.

☺ Always bounce with a bounce buddy. If you become lost forever in the immenseness and the emptiness of the bounce house, your bounce buddy will inform your family.

☺ Be respectful of the bounce house. Before entering, whisper your name softly to the bounce house.

☺ Do not approach the bounce house DJ while bouncing with requests for Van Halen's song, "Jump," Kris Kross' song, "Jump," the Rolling Stones' Song "Jumpin' Jack Flash," or Harry Belafonte's infectious hit, "Jump in the Line." Do you think the DJ is a fucking idiot? She is not. She is your superior.

☺ Always be aware of the locations of other bouncers. This will be made easier by the small GPS devices we will install beneath your neck skin. Your neck skin will be very sensitive during this procedure, but do not worry: We will massage you.

☺ Be mindful of the children. They are always near.

☺ Always bounce in full view of the guards. Keep your hands where we can see them.

☺ Patrons seen bouncing too listlessly will be questioned, and, if need be, reprogrammed. Always have fun in the bounce house. Always. Always have fun in the bounce house.

☺ Do not hug the walls of the bounce house, softly rocking, reciting the names of the people you love. We all know that won't help anything.

☺ When the bounce house captain comes for you, do not resist. The bounce house is just.

☺ Shoes will be confiscated.

The Big Bounce America bounce house will be at Shute Park, 750 SE 8th Ave., Hillsboro. Sept. 1-4. Thebigbounceamerica.ticketleap.com. Rules mostly fictional. Not all rules are fictional.