Stroke That Kitty: Miz Kitty’s Parlour, Saturday at Mississippi Pizza.

THURSDAY, DEC 15-FRIDAY, DEC 16

Family Fun with Sissyboy

Leave it to tranny rockers Sissyboy to bring you the greatest family Christmas show: A Bush Family Christmas. The band promises visits from all your favorite Bushes: eggnog-slurping party elves Jenna and Barbara, snow blower George and old St. Nick's best friend from high school, Dick Cheney. Clinton Street Theater, 2522 SE Clinton St. 238-8899. 8 pm Thursday, midnight Friday. $5 advance, $7 day of show. All ages.

FRIDAY, DEC 16

Mad Max: Beyond Ice Capades

Eat your heart out, Nemo. Welcome to choppers on ice. Presumably psychotic motorcycle racers mount spikes on their wheels and go blasting across the ice in a no-holds-barred race. Be glad that you aren't the Zamboni driver responsible for smoothing out the ice (and removing the chunks of flesh). Memorial Coliseum, 1401 N Wheeler Ave., 235-8771. 8 pm. $10+ kids, $15+ adults (Ticketmaster).

A John Waters Christmas

What can you expect from the Pope of Trash—the man who made the act of a transvestite eating dogshit into a cultural turning point—when he puts on a Christmas extravaganza? A lot. Given how disgustingly hysterical the auteur's films have remained while retaining an R rating, an unrated night of pure Waters is sure to offend everyone into pissing their pants with laughter. The addition of Karaoke from Hell really seals the deal. Dante's, 1 SW 3rd Ave, 226-6630. 9:30 pm. $25 advance, $30 day of show. Dinner,meet & greet, 7 pm. $50. 21+. See also interview, page 37.

SATURDAY, DEC 17

Revenge of the Fat Man

What a fantastic, heartwarming tradition. A mob of not necessarily jolly ol' St. Nicks rampages through downtown, sacrificing milk and cookies for whisky and karaoke while still maintaining the giving spirit of Père Noel—candy for kids, dollar bills for strippers. Quickly becoming a tradition in various cities, the Cacophony Society's ingenious, gleefully irreverent Santacon returns to Portland for one depraved day of holiday hijinks. Portland Saturday Market, noon. Free. All ages.

A Christmas Carol—On Acid

Maintaining its status as the weirdest pizza place in Oregon, Mississippi Pizza hosts local Vaudevillian Miz Kitty and her bizarre hodgepodge of performers for a Holiday X-Travaganza. On deck are pirate band Captain Bogg & Salty, the Government Issue Orchestra, blues artist Mary Flower, singing sisters Beliss and local historian Professor Moodman's take on A Christmas Carol. This assembly of local performers comes ready to instill some holiday cheer...in the strangest way possible. Mississippi Pizza Pub, 3552 N Mississippi Ave., 231-5915. 7 pm. $13.

SATURDAY, DEC 17-SUNDAY, DEC 18

Cinnamon Bear

Admit it, you know you're curious about the Cinnamon Bear, the classic radio serial character who guides children through Maybeland. The strange, almost cult story has been transplanted onto the Willamette River by way of local cruise ship the Portland Spirit. The cruise features pictures with the lovable C-bear and his sidekicks: Captain Taffy the Pirate, Queen Melissa and some inexplicably hot, somewhat futuristic pink fairies. Fret not, parents. There is a bar on this two-hour trip up the Willamette. See story, page 21. Portland Spirit, board at the Salmon Street Springs Fountain in Tom McCall Waterfront Park, 224-3900. 10 am and 2 pm Saturdays, Dec. 17 and 24, and Sunday, Dec. 18. $24 adults, $18 children.

SUNDAY, DEC 18

Last-Ditch Shopping

It's getting mighty close to the big day: Don't you think you should get your ass shopping? Send mom something truly Portlandian from the Urban Art Network's one-of-a-kind Holiday Art Bazaar, featuring work from more than 50 local artists. Just don't forget that your procrastination is gonna cost you when it comes to shipping your Oregonian goods back to Wisconsin or wherever the hell you were spawned, if you want it to get there in time for the big JC's b-day. Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside St, 225-0047. 1-9 pm. Free. All ages.