That's no lady: Men dress for excess Sunday at La Femme Magnifique.

Thursday, AUG. 31

Holla at Some Bitches

Picture it: Your eyes meet. Electricity crackles in the air. Your retriever pads over to her Shar-Pei and tenderly sniffs its ass. WW and the Lucky Labrador Beer Hall are having a "Singles Dog Party." If your most serious relationship is with a Shih Tzu-mix, then this is for you. Bring your pooch and mingle together. There'll be fancy-pants dog treats and lots of beer, and the night's proceeds benefit DoveLewis Animal Hospital. Plus attendees get a free WW personal ad. Careful with your wording, though—it doesn't take a dog to smell (or spell) desperation. Lucky Labrador Beer Hall, 1945 NW Quimby St., 517-4352. 6-8 pm. Free. 21+.

FRIDAY, SEPT. 1

As Seen on TV

To the delight of 14-year-old girls and "It List" editor Byron Beck, 10 semi-talented theater chicks and non-threatening metrosexuals are coming to Portland. That's right—on Friday, American Idol's last 10 finalists will be at the Rose Garden. The "American Idol Live! Tour 2006" features that guy who kind of looks like a fat George Clooney, Bucky "I picked a bad stage name" Covington, and somone known only as Mandisa. The tickets are sort of expensive and there's no nudity, but it's all worth it for the chance to see tool-in-training "Chicken Little." Oh wait—he was sent home to focus on growing pubes. Rose Garden, One Center Court, 235-8771. 7 pm. $38.50, $48.50 and $68.50. All ages.

Eat Rubber, Paul Walker

Hey, annoying teenage driver! Under the decals and body kit, it's still a Honda Civic—so stop doing laps around Pioneer Courthouse Square. Come see what real street racers look like at "Can-Am in the City." Can-Am racing is like NASCAR without all the mullets, corporate paint jobs and rules. Cars must have seats, a body, maybe a seatbelt here and there—otherwise, anything goes. On Friday, these souped-up imports with four-digit horsepower will take over the streets of the South Park Blocks. The event is part of the Columbia River Classic and benefits the Boys and Girls Aid Society of Oregon (boysandgirlsaid.org). Oregon Historical Society, 1200 SW Park Ave., 969-7852. Noon-2 pm. Free. All ages.

SATURDAY, SEPt. 2

Protein Protest

Vegans, God love 'em. They're all "chickpea this" and "soy that." It's cute. This Saturday, Farm Sanctuary—"the nation's leading farm animal protection organization"—is staging an event for Portland's tofu-enthusiasts. Yeah, I didn't know we had any of those either. The "Walk for Farm Animals" (walkforfarmanimals.org) will raise money to fight inhumane farming conditions. Pretty heroic, eh? The truth is, farm animals have it pretty good: They're fed and housed, they get the latest antibiotics and growth hormones, and their lives have purpose—to be delicious! Sorry, but the real cruelty is serving vegan pastries. Blossoming Lotus Cafe, 925 NW Davis St., 288-1503. 9:30 am. $10 (includes a T-shirt). All ages.

SUNDAY, SEPT. 3

Beauty Queens

Lip-syncing to Gloria Gaynor in sequins, stilettos and clown makeup takes balls. Balls that are tucked in and probably waxed—but balls nonetheless. Portland's dangling divas will prove their manhood at Darcelle XV's "25th Annual La Femme Magnifique International Pageant." The contest will "crown the most glamorous female impersonator in the world!" according to the press release. Actually, it's just a good old time for gay old people who love nothing better than to dress up in drag and saunter the halls of the Oregon Convention Center. This year's theme is "Return to the Disco," which raises the question: When did drag queens leave the disco? Judges include Portland Monthly's Jill Spitznass and other fashionable folks. Oregon Convention Center, Portland Ballroom, 777 NE Martin Luther King, Jr. Blvd., 222-5338. Doors at 7 pm, show at 8 pm. $30.

MONDAY, SEPT. 4

Worst Party Ever

You know that friend who got a DUI? He was sentenced to treatment and really dove in head first. He's not driving cross-eyed or puking on your couch anymore, but now he's gotten preachy. He looks at you weird when you order a beer with dinner and talks endlessly about a higher power. You're glad he's no longer a blackout artist, but you can't stand him sober. Now imagine 1,000 of those friends getting together for a barbecue. That's "Oxfest 2006." International recovery organization Oxford House (oxfordhouse.org) is hosting the "biggest clean and sober event in the Northwest." There'll be food, music and probably some uncomfortable handholding and prayer. It's a good cause, but it won't be a good party. East Delta Park, North Denver Avenue and Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard, (360) 281-3012. Noon-9 pm. Free. All ages.