Fight Nite: P-town's own Aaron Stark pummels an IFL-er.

WEDNESDAY, NOV. 1

J.T. Tries to Set a Good Example, But...

Roots music is just annoying twang. Where's the beat? Where's the celebrity cameos? Talented musicians and timeless structures are no substitute for strobe lights and back-up dancers. And for chrissakes, the washboard?! Can't we just forget the terrible, unplugged past? Lana Rebel says no. Her monthly showcase, "The Roots of Portland Roots," pays homage to dusty nobodies like Hank Williams and Willie Nelson. This month, Power of County, the Clampitt Family and Mighty Ghosts of Heaven will all play live sets and something called "records" (maybe a turn-of-the-century string instrument?). The whole Godforsaken, synth-less racket will be dedicated to their old-timey influences. Unlike "sexy," this does not need to be brought back. White Eagle, 836 N Russell St., 282-6810. 8:30 pm. Free. 21+.

THURSDAY, NOV. 2

Body Language

Your skin makes noise. And it's really fucking annoying. "Galvanic Skin Response for Social Response," the new performance-art installation from Marcus Brown (a.k.a. Dr. Brownsounds—no joke), uses fancy machines to amplify the "subsonic frequencies" created by the human body. It's like an amp-smashing rock-star tantrum: The idea is cool, but all you wind up with is fuzzy feedback, high-pitched buzzing and distortion. For painful proof, check out toolsforsound.com. If you need to neutralize some post-Katrina guilt, Brown is from New Orleans. Support the relief effort and buy something. Manuel Izquierdo Sculpture Gallery, 825 NW 13th Ave., 226-4391. 6 pm. Free. All ages.

Angry Body Language

It's the meathead semifinals. The International Fight League will take over the Memorial Coliseum for two matches sure to leave the crowd dazed and sexually confused. These no-holds-barred fights are like boxing, plus wrestling, minus heterosexuality. In a classic West Coast matchup, the Portland Wolf Pack will take on the Los Angeles Anacondas, and the Quad City Silverbacks will battle the Toronto Dragons. Still not sure if "Quad City" is a place or a leg-muscle reference. On that note, IFL fighters, I'm sorry and please don't crush me. Memorial Coliseum, One Center Court, 321-3211. 7 pm. $28-$148. All ages.

Art...or Something

Dive into a sea of Chuck Taylors, Euro-mullets and Pabst on tap. This is a Portland art party. The Fez Ballroom will host the Portland Artist Network's "Merge"—two stories of multimedia chaos with everything from live music and dance to films and performance art. And for the all-black set, poetry readings. You won't know the band the DJ is playing or what that ball of hair on the wall means. Just nod knowingly and prepare some bullshit about your latest exhibit's relevance to blah, blah, blah and so forth. You just might bag some postmodern punani. Fez Ballroom, 318 SW 11th Ave., 221-7262. 6 pm-2 am. $8. 21+

FRIDAY, NOV. 3

Funny-ish

Ron White is funniest third of the "Blue Collar Comedy" crew. Which really doesn't say much—the other two are Jeff "I only have one joke, and it's about rednecks" Foxworthy and the twisted bastard that unleashed the "git-r-done" catchphrase on America. It's too bad White hitched his wagon to those hicks' double-wide, because he's more than a one-trick pony. True, most of his stories end with a witty one-liner and a shit-kicking, and his nickname is "Tater Salad." But at least his shirts have sleeves and his jokes don't read like Mad Libs for morons. Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, 274-6564. 7:30 pm and 10:30 pm Friday; 7:30 pm Saturday. Nov. 3-4. $47.75. All ages.

Cash Cows

It's that time of year again. No, not your annual suicide attempt—save that for the holidays. It's "Denim and Diamonds 2006," the Agri-Business Council of Oregon's (aglink.org) dinner, auction...and lobbying opportunity. The event "celebrates the partnership of the business, legislative, agricultural communities" in Oregon. Translation: Ranchers and farmers drown their state reps in local pinot, feed them the youngest and cutest of Oregon's baby animals, and then, when bill-passing time comes around, bend 'em over. It's like prom. Actually, it is prom. Governor Hotel, 614 SW 11th Ave., 224-3400. 5 pm reception and silent auction; 7 pm dinner. $90. All ages.

TUESDAY, NOV. 7

It's a Sham!

Willamette Week wants to trick you into attending its "Gay Martini Social," a benefit for the Equity Foundation (equityfoundation.org). But WW is just pandering. If the event were really gay, they'd call it the "Super-Duper Gay Apri-tini Social." There'd at least be a "fabulous" in there somewhere. Vault, 226 NW 12th Ave., 223-1500. 5:30-8:30 pm. 21+.