Pretty is as pretty does: Number Three at Third Rail.

STAGE

Act a Lady

[OPENS FRIDAY] Seattle playwright Jordan Harrison's story of what happens when early-20th-century Midwesterners fall in love with drag—one of the plays workshopped at 2005's JAW/West festival—gets its world premiere at the Armory. Portland Center Stage at the Gerding Theater, 128 NW 11th Ave., 445-3700. 7:30 pm Tuesdays-Fridays, 2 and 7:30 pm Saturdays-Sundays, noon Thursdays. Opens Feb. 2. $16.50-$41.50.

Bark!

Eager actors aren't enough to stop the conceit of dogs singing about the joys of "whizzin' on stuff" and rapping about the superiority of mutts from getting old 10 minutes into this plotless, overlong show. BEN WATERHOUSE. Triangle Productions at Artists Repertory Theatre Second Stage, 1516 SW Morrison St., 239-5919. 8 pm Thursdays-Saturdays, 2 pm Sundays. Closes March 10. $22-$30.

How to Be a Megastar Tour 2.0

[ONE NIGHT ONLY] It's Blue Man Group. On tour. Learning how to rock. Blue Man Group at Memorial Coliseum, 1401 N Wheeler Ave., 877-789-7673. 8 pm Saturday, Feb. 3. $55-$85+.

Chateau Joyeux

Local playwright William S. Gregory wrote his latest play, a laid-back comedy of manners about three estranged relatives looking for reconciliation at the family chateau in postwar France, as a vehicle for Susan Jonsson, Sue Ellen Christensen and Sarah Dresser to show off their chops as witty, rowdy older women. It's a charming, funny show, but, given the dated setting and characters, there's little here to interest audiences looking for cutting-edge comedy.. BEN WATERHOUSE. CoHo Theater, 2257 NW Raleigh St., 220-2646. 8 pm Thurdays-Saturdays. Closes Feb. 24. $20-$23.

Drunk Puppet Nite

[SHORT RUN] Puppeteers from Eugene to Seattle flock to Someday Lounge to get drenched with their dummies. This ain't kids' stuff. Look for a live review on wweek.com's Wwire. Tears of Joy Theatre at Someday Lounge, 125 NW 5th Ave., 248-0557. 8 pm Thursday-Saturday, Feb. 1-3. $15. 21+.

Escape from Happiness

George F. Walker throws a family of neurotic, irritable women into a bag with some drugs, some criminals and a couple crooked cops, shakes it up, and tosses out two hours of good laughs. BEN WATERHOUSE. Theatre Vertigo at Theater! Theatre!, 3430 SE Belmont St., 306-0870. 8 pm Thursdays-Saturdays, 4 pm Sunday, Jan. 21. Closes Feb. 10. $15, Thursdays are "pay what you will."

The Heidi Chronicles

The second in Profile Theatre's season of plays by Wendy Wasserstein starts out with a lecture on the underappreciated role of women in art and continues on in its preachy way from there. But no matter, the issues covered are poignant and worthwhile. JAMES WALLING. Profile Theatre at Theater! Theatre!, 3430 SE Belmont St., 242-0080. 8 pm Thursdays-Saturdays, 2 pm Sundays. Closes Feb. 11. $10-$28.

*NEW* Hot 'N' Throbbing

[NEW REVIEW] Paula Vogel's Hot 'N' Throbbing, currently running at Vancouver's Arts Equity Theatre, is like plain spaghetti. It has potential, but without the right sauce and seasoning the whole dish is just bland and disappointing. The play takes place on one night as Charlene, a writer of women's erotica, works on her latest softcore screenplay. We hear what Charlene is writing via voice-over, and the action between her, her two teenage children and her abusive ex-husband intertwines with her hypersexual world. Nudity and sex, involving both Charlene's characters and family, are described by the voice-over rather than shown—and it's more than sheer voyeurism that leads one to wish for a good nipple shot. Hot 'N' Throbbing—whether it is Vogel's writing or director Llewellyn J. Rhoe's staging—is emotionally heavy-handed, and you can't help hoping for something exciting, like gratuitous nudity, to spice it up. PAIGE RICHMOND. Arts Equity at the Main Street Theatre, 606 Main St., 360-695-3770. 7:30 pm Thursdays-Fridays, 2 pm Feb. 4 and 25. Closes Feb. 25. $8-$24.

If You Take One Elf Off the Shelf

This is theater steeped in its own dorky juices, complete with a play-within-a-play motif, hackneyed references to struggling actors and plenty of damage to the fourth wall. STACY RIGER. Theatre! Theater!, 3430 SE Belmont St., 970-7277. 11 pm Thursdays-Saturdays. Closes Feb. 9. $5. Thursdays are "pay what you will."

Junie B. Jones and a Little Monkey Business

The world's funniest kindergartner decides her baby brother is a monkey, and puts on a musical to celebrate. Northwest Children's Theater, 1819 NW Everett St., 222-4480. 7 pm Fridays, 2 and 7 pm Saturdays, 2 pm Sundays. Closes Feb. 25. $16-$20.

Menopause the Musical

[OPEN-ENDED RUN] A silly, hackneyed, trite and perplexingly popular musical revue about hot flashes, weight gain and dildos. Winningstad Theatre, 1111 SW Broadway, 224-4400. 7:30 pm Tuesdays-Fridays, 2 and 5:30 pm Saturdays, 2 pm Sundays. Selling six weeks out. $44.50+ (Ticketmaster).

Misalliance

[CLOSES SUNDAY] It boggles the mind to think that Chris Coleman actually read a play as expertly crafted as George Bernard Shaw's Misalliance—let alone directed it—and managed to completely misunderstand most of its central themes. Seduced by absurdist acting feats, the audience is encouraged to laugh uproariously at socialism. JAMES WALLING. Portland Center Stage at the Gerding Theater, 128 NW 11th Ave., 445-3700. 7:30 pm Tuesday-Saturday; 2 pm Sunday and Feb. 3; noon Thursday Closes Feb. 4. $16.50-$59.50.

Number Three

Portland actor and playwright Ebbe Roe Smith turned to his childhood as the youngest in a military family to create this very funny, very frightening play about alcoholism, child abuse and the horrors of growing up in the '50s. While not the finest effort from every critic's favorite company, Third Rail's Number Three is nonetheless an excellent production of a chilling and hilarious play. BEN WATERHOUSE. Third Rail Repertory Theater at Interstate Firehouse Cultural Center, 5340 N Interstate Ave., 235-1101. 8 pm Thursdays-Saturdays, 2 pm Sundays. Closes Feb. 10. $15-$24.

Shoemaker & the Elves

[OPENS FRIDAY] Two recently sacked elves from Santa's workshop end up in 1940s Manhattan and hook up with a despondent shoemaker whose business is kaput. Magic! Features appearances from (puppets) Groucho Marx and Carmen Miranda. Tears of Joy Theatre at Brunish Hall, 1111 SW Broadway, 248-0557. 11 am Saturdays, 2 and 4 pm Sundays, 7:30 pm Friday Feb. 2. Opens Feb. 2. $16, $12 children.

Sonia Flew

[OPENS FRIDAY] As a child, Sonia was smuggled out of Cuba as part of Operation Pedro Pan. Now she's a public defender whose son wants to fight the terr'sts in Afghanistan. Crisis! Miracle MainStage at Milagro Theatre, 525 SE Stark St., 236-7253. 7:30 pm Thursdays, 8 pm Fridays-Saturdays, 2 pm Sundays. $12-$20.

The Trestle at Pope Lick Creek

In a Depression-era town where everything's broken, two kids with no future try to keep their minds off their raging libido and on the steaming, thrusting freight train headed right for them. This profoundly unsettling production is all kinds of creepy, but its themes of teenage desperation seem awfully contemporary. BEN WATERHOUSE. Defunkt theatre at the Back Door Theater, 4319 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 481-2960. 8 pm Thursdays-Sundays. Closes Feb. 10. $10-$15.

Vanya

Canadian playwright Tom Wood's adaptation sets Chekhov's story of love, arrogance, and desperation in 1920s Alberta, where the lives of depressed farmer Vanya (Allen Nause) and his niece (Valerie Stevens) have been overturned by the arrival of Sonya's aging father and his languid, twentysomething second wife(Krista Vendy). Vanya falls head over heels for her, as does an overworked local doctor (William Hurt). Oscar winner Hurt lives up to his reputation and the rest of the cast give fine performances, but Vendy-—a talentless Australian soap star trying to make it in the States—is so irksome that it's difficult to imagine that even the randiest old bachelor could find any charm in her. Her performance is so bad that her presence onstage drives the show dangerously close to farce. BEN WATERHOUSE. Artists Repertory Theatre Main Stage, 1516 SW Alder St., 241-1278. 7 pm Wednesdays, 2 and 7 pm Thursdays, 8 pm Fridays-Saturdays, 2 and 7 pm Sundays. Closes Feb. 25. $24-$64.

Where's Charley?

Ron Daum directs Frank Loesser's musical adaptation of Charley's Aunt, the classic English cross-dressing farce by Brandon Thomas. Lakewood Theatre Company at Lakewood Center for the Arts, 368 S State St., Lake Oswego, 635-3901. 8 pm Thursdays-Saturdays, 7 pm Sundays; 2 pm Jan. 21, Feb. 11 and 18. Closes Feb. 18. $28, $26 students and seniors.

Who Stole My Dead Husband?

[EXTENDED RUN] Lou Pallotta's comedy about growing up Italian-American continues through January. Madison's East Wing, 1125 SE Madison St., 800-966-8865. 7:30 pm Fridays-Saturdays. Closes March 31. $57-$67, includes dinner.

The Yellow Boat

[NEW REVIEW] Probably the most heartbreaking performance you'll see this year, The Yellow Boat is the story of playwright David Saar's son, Benjamin, a hemophiliac who contracted HIV from a blood transfusion and died before his ninth birthday. Although the production is ostensibly a children's show, there were no kids present the night I attended—just adults bawling their eyes out as Benjamin's friends abandon him out of fear and ignorance and the virus takes its horrible toll. Directed by AndrÉs AlcalÁ, lit by Jeff Forbes, choreographed by Do Jump!'s Robin Lane and ably acted by an an ensemble of familiar faces, the show is beautiful, energetic and touching. But while children will certainly learn about hemophilia, HIV and the value of friendship, parents may find it trying to watch their worst fears made manifest on stage. BEN WATERHOUSE. Insight Out Theatre Collective and CITE Educational Theatre at Echo Theater, 1515 SE 37th Ave., 493-8070. 8 pm Fridays-Saturdays, 2 and 7 pm Sundays. Closes Feb. 11. $5-$15, all tickets two for the price of one.

Comedy

Pat Kilbane, Stand-Up

Usually at Harvey's, if you recognize the comedian it's because last week you saw him at the Olive Garden, refilling your bottomless pasta. This week you'll recognize the headliner from Mad TV. Kilbane brings his wide range of characters and boatloads of energy to the mic for one week. Harvey's, 436 NW 6th Ave., 241-0338. 8 pm Wednesday-Sunday, Jan. 31-Feb. 4. $15. 21+.

Concerto for Piano and Mime, Improv

Tired of people talking during the show? No, I mean the people onstage. An entirely mimed improv show, Concerto features Mary Pat McCoy and Angel Ocasio, and answers the question, "If a comedian makes a joke and nobody hears it, was it funny?" Comedy Sportz, 1963 NW Kearney St., 236-8888. 10 pm Friday, Feb. 2. $5.

Bill Engvall, Stand-Up

My second-favorite member of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour brings his act to Portland. No matter what the color of your collar is, you'll enjoy his down-home brand of stand-up. Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, 228-1353. 7:30 pm Wednesday-Thursday, Jan. 31-Feb. 1. $32.50.

Classical

Meow Meow with Thomas Lauderdale: Beyond Glamour

Big vocals, low budgets, high drama. Hiss! After prowling the stages at PICA's '04 and '05 TBA fests, the self-appointed "international singing sensation" Meow Meow purrs into town for a one-night-only engagement featuring "obsessional love songs, minor multimedia, tired old tricks and gorgeous suicide ditties" in the style of Lenya meets Dietrich meets Patti LuPone. Darcelle XV, 208 NW 3rd Ave, 800-838-3006. 8 pm and 10:30 pm Thursday, Feb. 1. $10-$12.

Belle Voci: Third Annual Treble Choir Workshop and Concert

Conductor Margaret Green's Belle Voci is a respectable women's chamber choir that performs a few programs a year around Portland. They also perform good community service by hosting a workshop for treble choirs (read: girls' choirs) each February. This year's installment, led by conductress Leslie Guelker-Cone (Western Washington University), culminates in a concert with Belle Voci and guest youth choirs from across the city. First Presbyterian Church, 1200 SW Alder St., 360-573-4782. 7:30 pm Saturday, Feb. 3. $10-$15.

Oregon Symphony: Pure Pleasure with Itzhak Perlman, violin

A virtuoso violinist well into his early 60s, some might say Itzhak Perlman is past his prime. The story of his musical triumph over a childhood bout with polio is well documented; even as soloist, he'll usually perform seated. As the younger generation of violin prodigies passes him by, Perlman stays committed to his old-school core conservative rep—Brahms, Beethoven, blah blah blah. In his Oregon Symphony appearance he plays and/or conducts a pair of Beethoven romances, the Tchaikovsky Serenade for Strings and DvorÁk's Symphony No. 8. Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, 228-1353. 7:30 pm Saturday (sold out) and Sunday, Feb. 3-4, 8 pm Monday, Feb. 5. $30-$104.

Bach Cantata Choir: Super Bach Sunday

Bach or Super Bowl? Depends on the Bach. Ralph Nelson's Bach Cantata Choir doesn't make the strongest case to skip the Super, choosing J.S. Bach's Cantata 144, "Nimm, was dein ist, und gehe hin" (loosely translated: "Take your shit and run") and a little-known cantata by a Bach contemporary, Johann Kuhnau's Wie Leuchtet Der Morgenstern (translation: "Stars are blindingly bright"). Rose City Park Presbyterian Church, 1903 NE 45th Ave. 2 pm Sunday, Feb 4. Free with donation.

Dance

Portland Swing Dance Club: Friday Night Fever

Bob and Michelle, the affable presenters of Portland Swing Dance's "Friday Night Fever," are decidedly opposed to the Embers-like dirty circus atmosphere that so pervades Portland's sad excuse for "dance clubs." And so their monthly buttoned-up dance night at the PPAA promises "no obnoxious drinks, no dirty floor, no earsplitting sound system spewing out monotonous 165 bpm Thunderpuss remixes." Oh. So what's up their sleeve instead? A cha-cha dance lesson with Linda Springstead, a high-grade sound system and a full bar. DJ CJ is at the turntables. Portland Policeman's Athletic Association (PPAA) Building, 618 SE Alder St., 289-0861. 7:30 pm Friday, Feb. 2. $8.

Body Vox: First Impressions v. 5

They say you never get a second chance to make a first impression, but BodyVox—Portland's enterprising contemporary dance collective—is bringing back its ambitious and entertaining new-works night for a limited Vancouver run. Columbia Dance Center, 1700 Broadway, Vancouver, Wash., 360-229-0627. 7:30 pm Friday-Saturday, Feb. 2-3, 2 pm Saturday, Feb. 3. $24-$30.

Holy Goats! Sunday-Afternoon Improvisations

Dancer-storyteller-performance maverick Susan Banyas, electronica composer Heather Perkins and others improv their way into audiences' hearts at this performance arts showcase. Performance Works NorthWest, 4625 SE 67th Ave. 2 pm Sunday, Feb. 4. $7 (includes coffee, tea, bagels and cornbread.)