Boys will be girls at the Red Dress Party, Saturday. IMAGE: Tom Oliver

Saturday, April 14

Scarlet Fever

Attention, men: Want to support the new Q Center or people living with AIDS? Just like the color red? Need an excuse to cross-dress—and not wear panties? One of Portland's coolest parties of the year, the 7th Annual Red Dress Party, has you covered. At this charity shindig, everyone—with penis or not—must wear a red dress. Hence the name. And they're strict about it: "Kilts and culottes do not meet this requirement." Make sure your outfit matches this year's "Velvet Rope" theme, which harks back to classic '40s Hollywood glamour. And watch those panty lines (like finding a dress to stretch over your beer gut isn't hard enough). At least it won't matter if you spill—they'll be serving free red vodka cocktails. Plus beer, food and a double dose of dance floors. As if you could dance in those heels. The $75 VIP tickets, which include a reception at 7 pm, have already sold out. Proceeds go to Swan House, the Q Center and the Friends of People with AIDS Foundation. It's going to be so embarrassing when everyone shows up wearing the same thing. AudioCinema, 226 SE Madison St., reddresspdx.com. 9 pm. $35. 21+.

Sat-Sun, April 14-15

Don't Trust Anyone Over 30

Fucking hippies. They start out cute enough. All idealistic and harmless, just stoned and rolling in the grass. That's fine—less competition for jobs and chicks. But as they age and come down long enough to remember their impending deaths, things take an ugly New Age turn. They get "spiritual," which is like being religious but less "establishment." They start preaching bullshit about chakras and oneness. Say what you will about Christianity, but at least its bullshit has history. Just overdose already. But that won't happen, because when hippies get old they stop taking drugs, which is pretty much the whole point of being a hippie in the first place. Sure, they smoke weed, but I said drugs. Old hippies mistake their sagging, patchouli-glazed bodies for temples and get all health-conscious. They take up jogging and drink organic wheatgrass smoothies till they shit out all their acid flashbacks. The worst ones look at their accumulating healthcare bills and get ambitious—an unbecoming quality in hippies. They start tanning and bleaching their teeth and conning other aging hippies off drugs and onto crystals. It's these kinds of hemp-draped, Coppertone junkies who're behind the Body, Mind and Spirit Expo, a three-pronged attack of New Age flimflam: "natural health, personal growth and metaphysics." Take Coyote and Shakti Fox (real names, I shit you not), who look harmless in their sarongs—until they start pushing self-help DVDs for just a few easy installments of $19.95. Or Ranan "Worship the 'Stache" Shahar, who can cure such pressing medical problems as "brain fog." And how about Lai Ubberud, "past life reader" and author of Celebrity Pets Tell All? All together, there's a total of 150 speakers and exhibitors—shamans, energy healers, palm readers and pet psychics. Still, it's not a total scam—attendees do get a free "aura photo." Oregon Convention Center, Hall E, 777 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd., 541-482-3722, bmse.com. 10 am-7 pm Saturday, 11 am-6 pm Sunday. $10 weekend pass. All ages.

Tuesday, April 17

Monicamonicamonica!

Yee-haw! Clinton's a-comin'! Not her, the cool one. I said yee-haw! The World Affairs Council of Oregon is presenting Bill Clinton as part of its 2007 International Speakers Series. Now listen, it's easy to mock Slick Willy, but I for one refuse to stoop to obvious low blows. Sure, a certain intern graduated from our own Lewis & Clark College, but I won't mention it. It List has always been a paragon of taste and sophistication. Besides, things have been HARD for Bill lately. These days he's the neglected spouse in the Clinton household, and his former straight man and alibi confirmer, Al Gore, is going all Hollywood on him. But Bill remains chipper and ruddy as ever, and he's making time to rally Portland's liberal troops for 2008's uphill battle. Sure, things look good now, but we've been here before. The Democrats haven't even started squandering their lead yet. Still, if anyone knows how to win, it's Bill. He's the only Dem since FDR to beat the odds and serve two consecutive terms, and he did it all with a HUGE, THROBBING...nose for diplomacy and policy. That's what he did it with. Now he's grooming his lovely, forgiving (oh so forgiving) bride to continue the Clinton legacy. And even as Hillary's stay-at-home husband, Bill's sure to have some UNDER-THE-TABLE influence. No word yet on the subject of his talk, but it's likely he'll devote some time to his EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES since leaving office. And, ladies, rumor has it he's bringing cigars. ZING! Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, 790-2787. 6:30 pm. $90. All ages.