IS IT A CAKE? A SUB? No, it's a float in the Starlight Parade.

THURSDAY, MAY 31

Protecting His Franchise From Beyond the Grave

Large, antiquated wooden ships equipped with crude weaponry are invading Portland. And it's not the Afghan navy (camels can't swim), so there's only one other possible explanation: Walt Disney is haunting the Rose Festival's organizers. First he spooked Johnny Depp into signing on for Pirates of the Caribbean, finally making up for all of the actor's admirable career choices with a blockbusting three-part orgy of computer-generated Disney doubloons. Now Walt's gunning for Portland. Apparently our ticket sales for the last movie didn't meet the demanding old spirit's expectations, so he's siccing a four-masted marketing scheme on the city. Walt's ghost engineered this powerful—and unofficial—promotion by haunting the organizers of the city's 100th annual Rose Festival into hiring pirate-era sailing ships for this year's festivities. These old-fashioned, replica sailing ships will arrive at the waterfront Thursday afternoon—which coincides almost perfectly with the release of the new Pirates movie. Nicely done, Walt. For 11 days, the Hawaiian Chieftain and Lady Washington will offer gawking visitors and potential moviegoers dockside tours and river cruises. They'll duke it out in simulated cannon battles on the open river and provide a unique vantage for the Rose Fest's fireworks show. Tom McCall Waterfront Park, 1020 SW Naito Parkway, 227-2681. Thursday-Monday May 31-June 10. See rosefestival.org for times and prices. All ages.

FRIDAY, JUNE 1

Smoke on the Water, Fire in the Sky

Normally, fireworks are synonymous with patriotism. But this is wartime, and the Rose Festival's "WaMu Fireworks Spectacular"—which kicks off the whole celebration—is a waste of good, battle-ready explosives. To effectively wage the war on terrorism, America needs every grain of black powder we can import from the Red Chinese. Fireworks are out. Especially with the new shock-and-awe initiative President Bush tied to his troop-surge plan. As a last-ditch effort to demoralize Iraqi insurgents, our soldiers will no longer simply shoot them—they'll shoot them with multicolored, choreographed displays of American might. Just think how al Qaeda will feel about being blown into a million sparkling bits of red, white and blue "freedom cinder." This revolution is televised, so it needs to look cool. Plus, Bush really likes shiny things. Tom McCall Waterfront Park, 1020 SW Naito Parkway, 227-2681. Nightfall. Free outside the WaMu Waterfront Village; $5 with gate admission. All ages.

At Least Gas Was Cheap Back Then

A few hundred years ago, Lewis and Clark zigzagged across America, braving mad professors, cavemen, 1820s gangsters, hillbillies and tank-driving soldiers. It was an epic race to the promised land of Oregon. The course was laden with hazards and booby traps and, by the end, littered with bodies. But Lewis and Clark prevailed, and many decades later, another power couple, Hanna and Barbera, immortalized the heroic quest in the "Wacky Races" series of cartoons. But now Hanna-Barbera has lost its hold on the world of low-budget animated television, so in a touching tribute to both sets of pioneers, the Rose Festival is holding the Rose Cup Races (rosecup.com). Like the explorers and animators they're honoring, all 400-plus racers are amateurs. Portland International Raceway, 1940 N Victory Blvd., 823-7223. Friday-Sunday, June 1-3. See rosefestival.org for detailed times and prices. $4-$10 for single day; $16-$20 for three-day pass. All ages.

SATURDAY, JUNE 2

Justice Smells Like Kerosene

Portland has a venerated history of angry, torch-wielding mobs. The city's founders ran old man Pittock out of his mansion for crimes against nature. In the '30s, our city's puritans burned many a bootlegger in his own bathtub gin. In the '50s, we chased commies, in the '60s, longhairs. And in the '80s, anyone not wearing a pastel blazer was run out of town or at least to the closest Men's Wearhouse. Today, we mostly just chase the occasional stray Washingtonian back across the Columbia to the 'Couv, which rarely ends in any actual burning. But we keep this tradition of mob rule and vigilante justice with a symbolic lighted procession: the Starlight Parade. A procession of glowing floats winds through the nighttime streets of Portland, simulating the paranoid rage that has shaped our city since its inception. Downtown Portland. See rosefestival.org for route. 8:30 pm. Free. All ages.