HIL YEAH: Duff performs at the Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall Tuesday.

WEDNESDAY, AUG. 1

All the Girls in the World Beware!!!

The apocalypse is coming. Why mince words? We all know society is about to collapse. If not WMD-wielding terrorists or a super-flu pandemic, then climate change or massive overpopulation will do the job. Or maybe America's budding neocon dynasty. One word: Jeb. That'd do it. The point is, civilization is going under, and soon. But don't despair. Total societal collapse won't necessarily make life worse—just different. Think positive: Does a total economic crash mean unemployment and starvation? Or unlimited vacation and a renewed hunger for life? Get prepared now and you'll be able to transition relatively painlessly. Heck, it's even a good excuse to splurge on some new toys. Pick up that XM8 assault rifle with laser sight and extended clip you've had your eye on. Get a crossbow for the kids. Build a sauna/bomb shelter out back and install a septic tank for the missus. And don't forget some hot new wheels. When the country's infrastructure collapses and paved roads are fraught with landmines, your Subaru—all-wheel drive or not—won't cut it in a cross-country race against brain-hungry mutant hordes. Consider an ATV. They can travel on all terrains—it's in the name—and comfortably accommodate aftermarket machine-gun mounts. Scope the latest models at DuneFest 2007 (dunefest.com). You can shop top brands like Yamaha and Polaris and see firsthand how they perform. There'll be sand drag racing, motocross and side-by-side events. How will a four-wheeler handle confrontations with desert warlords and giant irradiated Gila monsters? Let your eyes be the judge. And network with other survival-competent locals. Because after the world crumbles, you'll need a gang. Finally, on Saturday night, a concert from the band poised for a triumphant post-apocalyptic comeback: Grand Funk Railroad! Against all odds, they've survived this long, and initial polls show robust mutant approval ratings. Winchester Bay, 541-271-3495. 9 am-6 pm Wednesday-Sunday, Aug. 1-5. $40 adults, $25 kids 6-12, free kids 5 and under. All ages.

SUNDAY, AUG. 5

Throw Some D's on that Bitch!

American automakers are on the ropes. GM and Ford have slashed their ranks, and after its recent sale to investment capital giant Cerberus, Chrysler is on the chopping block. Were the Detroit Three out-maneuvered by their Asian counterparts? Toyota and Honda focused on reliability; Kia and Hyundai reinvented the economy car; and meanwhile, American carmakers pioneered DVD-equipped gas guzzlers and the temperature-controlled cupholder. Did they misread the American public's yen for flash over substance? Of course not. In the U.S., flash is king. American cars aren't fading because they're too flashy, but because they're not flashy enough. Stop half-assing it, Motown. Oooh, 12-way power seats and an in-dash barometer—big fucking deal! America wants laser-guided parallel parking, driver's side ass-massagers and satellite HDTV receivers. To hell with gas mileage and extended warranties, just keep the cupholders coming! I need to safely haul at least 43 drinks at a time. For real-world role models, visit the 2007 Low Rider Tour (lowrider.com) this Sunday. Unable to get awesomely unnecessary extras at the dealership, these enterprising gearheads have taken matters into their own hands. Their custom cars are so cool they're barely functional. Paint changes color, upholstery is made from animals you've never even heard of, and trunks are crammed full with batteries. Despite the lowrider moniker, these rides can jump into the air! Why do they need to jump? They don't. In fact, it's really hard on them. But have you ever seen a Kia with hydraulics? American automakers, take a cue from these airbrushing, chrome-dipping, trunk-rattling DIY mechanics: Push frivolous flash to its very limits. Portland Expo Center, 2060 N Marine Drive, 736-5200, 11 am-5 pm. $30; free for kids 10 and under with adult. All ages.

TUESDAY, AUG. 7

Class Actress

"Hilary Duff has always carried herself with dignity." Those aren't my words; they're from Duff's "Dignity Tour" press release. I only wish I could claim them, because when I think of dignity, a short list of names comes to mind: Jimmy Carter, Queen Elizabeth, that guy who plays Dr. House on TV—and Hilary Duff. Though she admittedly suffers from OCD and recently made a young fan cry by refusing an autograph, Duff retains an almost regal demeanor. Her dignity isn't about what she does, but how she does it. Whether it's stomping on an adoring child's dream or flicking a light switch on and off exactly 17 times, Duff performs every act with poise and grace. Even her new album's title is dignified: Dignity. Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, 274-6564. 8 pm. $46.75-$59.75. All ages.