Couchlock happens. It's nothing to be ashamed of.
But you're going to get hungry, you shouldn't drive, and you probably shouldn't even bother hailing Uber. A few years ago, you'd probably be screwed into soggy
hot wings from Domino's, but the Portland of today will actually bring food to your house that's tasty, local and just trashy enough to feed the beast.
Just remember to tip your driver. And remember that delivery fees are
not tips for your driver.
1711 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 503-236-8067, devilsdill.com. Delivery till 2:30 am nightly.
Range: Depends on how busy it is. Inner Southeast out to 60th Avenue and south to about Holgate Boulevard, plus Kerns and Lloyd Center.
Arguably, Devil's Dill sandwich shop offers the best meal available in this city at 2:30 am on a Sunday. The Dill's No. 1 ($9.50), especially, is one of the city's great bun-based meals—a hefty portion of pulled pork that's smoked in-house and seasoned with Chinese five-spice rub, accented by sesame slaw and admirably restrained chili garlic sauce.
Multiple locations, 503-234-7437, sizzlepie.com. Delivery till 3 am Sunday-Thursday, 4 am Friday-Saturday.
Fees: $3 for delivery (not a tip!).
$21 minimum order.
Range: Most of central Portland, bordered by 39th Avenue to the east, 23rd Avenue to the west, Killingsworth Street to the north and Powell Boulevard to the south.
Sizzle Pie is the local king of vegan, veggie and gluten-free pizza—and also one of the most wide-reaching local food-delivery services in town since it opened the new commissary at the Northeast Schuyler Street location. If you must order meat pie, start with one of the insanely stacked vegetarian pies and add your choice of meat, like pulled pork or bacon or anchovies. It'll be better, if also maybe more expensive, than the pies that started as meat pies. Also—very important!—Sizzle Pie delivers beer. But not after 2:30 am, duh.
350 W Burnside St., 503-234-0114, lonesomespizza.com. Delivery till 3 am nightly.
Fees: Nah. The price is the price. But these guys don't get out of bed for less than $17.
Range: Dear Lord, all over. Unless it's busy. Then Lonesome's will truncate its delivery zone without warning. Sorry, man. If you're lucky: north to Ainsworth, west to Sylvan, south to Corbett, northeast to Roseway and southeast to South Tabor.
At Lonesome's, you get weird photographs of 1960s dogs glued to your pizza box, and you have to order from a menu that uses French numbers. We'll help with the pronunciation. The "vingt-seize" is pronounced like this: "TWEN-tee SIX." It has sopressata, banana peppers and fried shallots, plus sweet red sauce and heaping mozzarella. Like Rikki in that Steely Dan song, you don't need any other numbers. Oh, but if you're gluten-free? Lonesome's does that with its pizza. It's probably worse than the other stuff.
Postmates (Luc Lac and Noraneko)
Postmates.com. Delivery 24/7, but till 2 am at Noraneko and 3 am at Luc Lac.
Fees: $5 minimum, plus extra fees for distance and a 9 percent service fee. None of this is a tip. You should also tip.
Range: Wherever, man.
"After 11 pm, 90 percent of our orders are Noraneko, Luc Lac or condoms," a Postmates driver told us. Which means that unless you're having sex, you're eating ramen or pho. We don't judge.
2114 SE Clinton St., 503-235-1035, hammyspizza.com. Delivery till 4 am nightly.
Fees: $10 minimum order.
Range: That big, meaty area east of the river, south of Burnside Street, west of 60th Avenue, north of Holgate Boulevard.
Picture the pizza you want to eat when high? OK, now call Hammy's, and it will delivery pretty much exactly that. It's substantial without being a bread bomb, with acidic marinara and a mozzarella that sort of clots up into salty knots. The Classic Supreme is highly recommended.
971-361-6986, afterdarkcookies.com. Delivery till 2 am Friday-Saturday.
Fees: $12 minimum order.
Range: Most of Southeast Portland west of I-205. But the delivery map gets a bit sketchy between Stark and Burnside streets.
One of two late-night cookie delivery services (Coop's is the other), After Dark makes big, slightly gooey-in-the-middle cookies. Because delivery ends at 2 am and the minimum order of $12, you either need friends or end up with way too many cookies. Our delivery guy was wearing what we remember to be a blue-sequined bowler hat, but the memory is a little hazy. There are far better and cheaper cookies, but these come to your house when you're stoned.