A lot happened this week, and, in short: Everything continues to be terrible.
One major story is that Louis CK was revealed to be a sexual predator. There had been whispers of his misconduct for years, but now it’s officially out in the open. And at the end of the day, it’s not particularly surprising that a man who modeled his career after Woody Allen turned out to be a pervert.
On a similar note, accusations have continued to plague actor Kevin Spacey. And though famous men being accused of sexual assault is, for reasons I cannot understand, somewhat of a divisive issue, I think we can all agree that it was a smart move on David Bowie's part to die right before we started caring about celebrities fucking teenagers.
In other sad news, there was a shooting in Texas last Sunday. But to be honest, there are a lot of shootings these days and this one didn't break any records, so most Americans have already completely forgotten about it. Nonetheless: thoughts and prayers.
But it wasn't all bad news this week. In an unforeseen turn of events, the forlorn Democratic Party actually managed to win an election—and a historic one at that.
Danica Roem became the first openly trans official in our nation's history to be elected and seated in a U.S. state legislature. It's great to see America finally experience another record breaking moment that doesn't involve firearms, and I wish Ms. Roem all the best. I also kind of hope that, as a trans politician, she insists on using whichever bathroom Mitch McConnell is in just to piss him off.
Though it was a fleeting moment of positivity, Roem's victory wasn't the most surprising news of the week.
As a man who deeply cares about whiskey and uteruses, I was far more shocked to see that conservatives recently called for a boycott of Jim Beam after it was revealed that Mila Kunis, the liquor's spokesperson, had donated to Planned Parenthood in Mike Pence's name.
First of all, if you're going to let politics affect your drinking habits, then you're clearly not a very dedicated lush. This does, though, continue a recent trend of Alt-Right pundits boycotting companies they view as liberal and promoting brands they believe share their conservative values. Papa John's was recently labeled the official pizza of the Alt-Right (though, to the pizza chain's credit, they later denounced racism and hate groups) and Taylor Swift has been hailed as an Aryan goddess (which makes sense considering she looks like the tangible culmination of a million white supremacist's wet dreams).
The Alt-Right is ready to take its money to any corporation who even momentarily appears to remotely stand against equality. So if there are any fledgling distilleries out there hoping to turn a quick buck, I'd recommend rebranding your whiskey as something your potential Alt-Right clientele might enjoy.
Something like Old Jim Crow, Maker's Markkk, Dewar's White Power Label, Song of the Southern Comfort, or Evan Williams.
Because racism is wrong, but nothing is worse than Evan Williams.