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BY | 503 243-2122

[February 13th, 2002]

THEOLOGICAL COMPARISON
Peaches + Jesus + Buddha = Knowledge
Potty-talking rap diva goes head-to-head against the Great Teachers.

Ah, Peaches--authoress of the haunting hep-hop opus The Teaches of Peaches, with its alluring drum-machine hum, trenchant loops and stunning use of the third-person-meets-first-person storytelling. Don't let first impressions fool you. Peaches may be best known in small circles for her stupefying single "Fuck the Pain Away," but don't mistake her for some silly, reckless Feminem. No, Peaches has lesson plans for y'all. And you'd better step up. Caryn B. Brooks and Kim Colton

Peaches lays down the word Sunday (duh), Feb. 17, at Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside St., 225-5555. ext. 8811. Filmmaker John Waters headlines with a talk about his very fascinating life, and possibly his little mustache, too. 8 pm. $28.50.

	PEACHES	JESUS	BUDDHA
on self	"There's only one peach with a hole in the middle."	"I am that bread of life."	"The body of the Buddha is born of love, patience, gentleness and truth."
on faith	"Bye-bye baby/ If you don't think I know what's right."	"Everyone who lives and believes in me will never die."	"Those who have sufficient faith in me and sufficient love for me are all headed for heaven and beyond."
on evil	"I'm hexed/ I'm vexed/ I'm in the devil's text/ Some people say that I keep my self-respect/ Hidden in my cervix."	"Resist the Devil, and he will flee from you."	"There are three evils of the body, four evils of the tongue and three evils of the mind."
on temptation	"Licky licky sucky/ Nobody here can tell me they don't wanna fucky fucky."	"Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."	"Abstain from impurity, and lead a life of chastity."
on innocence	"I like the innocent type/ Deer in the headlight/ Rockin' me all night/ Flexin' his might/ Keepin' me tight/ Takin' a bite out of the peach tonight."	"Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven."	"Free your mind of ignorance and be anxious to learn the truth."
on self-esteem	"Only double-A, thinkin' triple-X."	"I am the light of the world."	"Those who have found there is no self will let go all the lusts and desires of egotism."
on pleasure	"Come diddle my skittle."	"For if ye love them which love you, what reward have you?"

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"Pleasures destroy the foolish; the foolish by their thirst for pleasures destroy themselves as if they were their own enemy." on suffering

"Fuck the pain away."

"O faithless and perverse generation, how long shall I be with you? how long shall I suffer you?" "If people by causing pain to others wish to obtain pleasure for themselves, they, entangled in the bonds of selfishness, will never be free from hatred." on education

"IUD/SIS. Stay in school, 'cause it's the best." "...and ye shall know the truth. And the truth shall set you free."

"Speak the truth; do not yield to anger; give if you are asked. By these three steps you will become divine."

YOUR SURE-FOOTED ALTERNATIVE TO THE OTHER GUY'S STUMBLING EXPERIMENTS
Hiss and Vinegar

PUTTING THE "DEAD" BACK IN "DEAD KENNEDYS"
Ah, yes--there's nothing quite like watching a bunch of middle-aged men who still go around using names like "Jello," "East Bay Ray" and "Klaus Fluoride" squabble and backstab. A nasty 5-year-old feud between punk icon/blowhard Jello Biafra and his money-hungry former Dead Kennedys bandmates rages on, as hideous and compelling as a 10-car pile-up.

First came well-publicized dueling lawsuits. In 1997, the three guys who played instruments in the legendary '80s punk band demanded $76,000 in unpaid royalties from lead singer Biafra's San Francisco record label, Alternative Tentacles. Biafra countersued and claimed the whole beef stemmed from his refusal to license DK's classic song "Holiday in Cambodia" for a Levi's commercial. (Just why Levi's would want to use a song about genocide to flog its denim remains a question for the ages.) Last year, a jury found in favor of the three rebellious Kennedys and gave them control of the valuable DK catalog. (A fact perhaps not coincidental to the affair: The respective post-DK music careers of the trio might be accurately assessed as "valueless.") Biafra appealed, and the court saga continues.

Now, Biafra blasts the DK three for mounting an international tour under the Kennedys name, with some dude named Brandon filling Biafra's role on the mic. Via a press release, Biafra bitches, "In my opinion, this is the real great rock-and-roll swindle."

That emphatic statement certainly reflects the robust sense of self enjoyed by the singer-turned-political activist. But you don't have to think much of Biafra (or the self-aggrandizing rabble-rouser shtick he's peddled since the real DK dissolved) to find this tour outrageous and pathetic.

Reportedly, some ads pimping the reconstituted "Dead Kennedys" make the lineup change plain. Others, including one that appeared in last week's WW promoting a scheduled March 10 show at Portland's Roseland Theater, do not. This may not be fraud in a legal sense, but it's intentionally deceptive. Biafra may revel in the sound of his own voice, but that voice defined Dead Kennedys. Watching his three ex-bandmates limp along while some stand-in mouths Biafra's words must be like watching the Rockettes dance in burquas.

The March 10 "Dead Kennedys" show, which carries a ticket price of $12, also features Portrait of Poverty. See deadkennedys.com and alternativetentacles.com for the two sides to this ugly story.

FROM THE GREAT TRASH HEAP OF THE INFORMATION AGE
Rave kids across the nation scored last Wednesday, when a federal judge booted an earlier ruling that classified dance-floor accoutrements like masks, pacifiers and glows sticks as "drug paraphernalia"...Soul supremo James Brown testifies that he "never touched" a former female employee who charges him with sexual harassment--and by Gawd, we believe him...Portland's Richmond Fontaine releases Winnemucca, its latest album of sad, sad songs, with a show at Blackbird on Feb. 22...Winsome local popsters The Decemberists just announced that local label Hush will release their first full-length...The Helio Sequence is the only Portland act name-checked in Alternative Press' list of "100 Bands You Need to Know in '02," gracing newsstands now...Local label In Music We Trust will re-release the hard-to-find first album by L.A. rhythm-'n'-bruise sensations The BellRays.