Sorting the heroes from the goats.

[October 30th, 2002] WINNERS

1) Gay and lesbian couples , rejoice! After decades of bluenosed harrumphing, The Oregonian has finally agreed to print same-sex commitment announcements in a new

"Celebrations" page, which will include weddings, births and anniversaries--all for a fee, of course. So dig deep, and l'chaim!

2) Putting the international back in Portland International Airport, German airline Lufthansa announced direct flights from Portland to Frankfurt starting in March, delighting Germanophiles , Teutonocrats and wienerschnitzel fans . Airport officials lured Lutfhansa with a hefty portion of incentives worth at least $1.5 million.

3) One of America's most persecuted minorities--owners of white vans --kissed their fuzzy dice on the news that the D.C. sniper suspects were actually driving a blue Chevy Caprice. The unpigmented vehicular workhorses have been the butt of jokes since Ted Bundy and probably long before.

4) Centuries of slander by medieval moralists and dubious Darwinists have saddled the noble goat with a reputation as an ornery, stubborn loner. But that's all going to change, thanks to a new plan to clear undergrowth along Interstate 84 using a 100-strong troop of cloven-hoofed weed-warriors, who will finally get the chance to prove their valor--and chow down some blackberries at the same time.

LOSERS

1) Grim news for Portland's mentally ill. Cascadia Behavioral Healthcare, which serves 20,000 clients statewide, eliminated 108 positions--and local officials warn that budgets will be even tighter next year.

2) Thanks to $1.6 million in state budget cuts, more than 20,000 of Oregon's neediest college students will receive smaller financial-aid checks this year. The Oregon Student Assistance Commission reckons that students will get $200 to $550 less than they were expecting.

3) Sporting-goods giant Nike forked over a cool $8.9 million to settle shareholder lawsuits accusing the Beaverton company of falsifying its financial statements.