Year-End Blazers Crime Quiz

[April 23rd, 2003] Between the fistfights, drug busts, public shouting matches and other delinquent activities, the Blazers have had such a dazzlingly roguish season that it's a miracle they've found any time to play basketball. And why should they, really? With all of the treachery and drama, following the town team this year has been like watching Dynasty, only with less hair and taller actors. If you're like us at the Rogue Desk, you've followed the twists and turns of this season's tragicomedy with bated breath, but do you have what it takes to be a real courtside connoisseur? Take the quiz!

1) Bonzi Wells started this season's transgressions with a splat in November when he flung his phlegm at San Antonio's Danny Ferry and called him a "honky." What racial epithet did Wells also hock on Golden State's Troy Murphy?

(a) "White trash"
(b) "Soft-ass white boy"
(c) "Cracker"
(d) "Mick"

2) Which Blazer, pulled over by the fuzz for doing 83 mph in a 50 mph zone, offered police his basketball card and two credit cards as proof of identification?

(a) Qyntel Woods
(b) Rasheed Wallace
(c) Zach Randolph
(d) Damon Stoudamire

3) Which of the following things did Rasheed Wallace not say to referee Tim Donaghy in a post-game confrontation that led to a seven-game suspension, according to eyewitnesses?

(a) "You better flinch, you motherfucking punk."
(b) "I'm going to shove that fucking whistle up your ass."
(c) "Let's see how tough you are off the court, you punk-ass bitch."
(d) "I'm going to kick your fucking ass."

4) Place the following Ruben Patterson criminal charges in chronological order:

(a) Misdemeanor assault
(b) Felony domestic assault
(c) Attempted rape
(d) Felony aggravated burglary

5) Singer Karla Knafel is currently suing Michael Jordan for $5 million, alleging that he reneged on an agreement to pay her to cover up a love affair between them that occurred in 1989, three months after Jordan was married. Which Blazer lost a paternity suit to the same woman and now pays her $750 each week in child support?

(a) Scottie Pippen
(b) Dale Davis
(c) Bonzi Wells
(d) Ruben Patterson

6) Irony alert! Which law-bending Blazer majored in criminal justice in college?

(a) Rasheed Wallace
(b) Damon Stoudamire
(c) Ruben Patterson
(d) Zach Randolph

7) Everyone knows the story of the ill-fated Hummer that played host to the Blazers' most notorious drug bust, but what color was the smoke-saturated SUV?

(a) Ganja green
(b) Visine red
(c) Ash black
(d) Panic yellow

ANSWERS

Answers! (1) c*. (2) a. (3) b. (4) d, a, c, b. (5) b. (6) c. (7) d. * But Wells did also call the Dallas Mavericks "a bunch of soft-ass white boys."