So what's Lars on?

[October 15th, 2003] WINNERS

Primate researchers from Oregon Health & Science University scored an internationally recognized triumph, successfully transplanting ovary tissue into an infertile female rhesus monkey. The world press did back-flips, hailing the research as a sign of hope for infertile humans.

The Oregon wine industry is salivating over a record grape harvest, raising hopes that plentiful '03 pinots will rock drinkers' worlds.

Smokers hacked for joy last week when some fine print surfaced in a broad anti-tax measure circulated by signature-gatherers hoping to put it on the ballot. If the measure becomes reality, Oregon's 10-cents-a-pack cigarette tax will go away. In related news, smoking still makes you look really, really cool. Honest.

Tree-huggers danced a jig when a federal judge blocked six old-growth timber sales in the Mount Hood and Willamette national forests. His Honor found the federal government gave chainsaws the go-ahead without fully checking for endangered critters. Imagine that!

LOSERS

That deafening whoosh you just heard was $10 million draining out of Portland Public Schools' coffers. That's the funding cost of an enrollment drop of 2,000 students from last year. The decline was about four times bigger than demographers forecast back in 2002.

Oregonians who eat released a collective shudder upon hearing that farmers fertilize much of their food with highly hazardous sewage "sludge." A cabal of national environmental groups asked the EPA to keep the treated poop away from food crops. Eww.

Thanks to a series of Salem foibles, you now have even worse credit woes than those you've created with your own unwise American Express purchases. Wall Street downgraded the State of Oregon's credit rating this week, costing taxpayers millions in bond repayments whenever interest rates increase.

More of your friends, neighbors and fellow citizens are going hungry. The Oregon Food Bank announced a 10 percent jump in people seeking its help between summer '02 and summer '03. The expiration of unemployment benefits for laid-off middle-class workers takes some of the blame.