What Not to Wear: Halloween edition

[October 29th, 2003] Unless you're one of those Halloween superfans who's been planning a spooky get-up for months, chances are you haven't thought about a costume for, oh, 364 days. And because Halloween falls on a Friday this year, it's virtually impossible to go out this weekend without dressing up. In other words, Portland barfly/procrastinator/slacker, you are officially screwed.

Never fear, here are some last-minute, DIY-friendly tricks to help get the treats:

DO

Do utilize underwear. This is the one day a year it is actually OK to wear those tighty-whiteys over your jeans.

Do employ pillows. They're great for adding waistline inches and warmth to any costume.

Do emphasize cleavage. This goes for males and females.

Do bar hop. Half the fun of Halloween is to see what everyone else is wearing.

Do think about easy access. Nobody wants to leave the party early because you had "an accident."

DON'T

Do not spend lots of money to look like Fred Flintstone, Betty Boop, Henry VIII, etc. Chances are, you're never going to win the costume contest, so save your money for the jungle juice.

Do not attempt a toilet-paper costume. The only thing toilet paper should be used for on Halloween is the front yard of an arch nemesis.

Do not wear bunny/cat ears. They're about as exciting as singing "Love Shack" at karaoke.

Do not do the flasher thing. Nudity under trenchcoats has never been funny.

Do not , under any circumstances, stay home.