Judge Judy ain't got nothin' on us.

[December 10th, 2003] WINNERS

The good news for supporters of mayoral hopeful Tom Potter, a former Portland police chief: A recent poll showed him neck-and-neck with heavily favored city commish Jim Francesconi, he of the bulging war chest. The bad news? Both candidates were trounced by "Don't know," the leading vote-getter in the poll with a whopping 62 percent.

Ex-NBA great Jerome Kersey's duties as glorified Trail Blazer babysitter became a little easier when Portland's perpetually beleaguered hoops squad shipped problem child Bonzi Wells to Memphis. Now Kersey, hired to provide real-world guidance to the team's clueless millionaires, can concentrate on getting Zach Randolph down to the DMV.

It took prosecutors three years, but they finally managed to put Humberto Castro Soler away for a long stretch. On Dec. 8, the notorious local drug trafficker agreed to spend 27 years in prison for his role in a 1999 double homicide.

Continuing its habit of spending absurd sums of money for the right to slap a tiny logo on an athlete's clothing, Nike locked up the services of tennis megastar Serena Williams this week with a LeBron-sized endorsement deal: $55 million over eight years. No word yet on which athletic company her hairdo has decided to sign with.

LOSERS

Portland Business Alliance prez Kim Kimbrough saw his head converted into a tasteful holiday centerpiece as the downtown-dominated chamber of commerce cut him loose after three tumultuous years. Kimbrough alienated City Hall and many Portlanders with his bellicose, confrontational style. Others thought he was just what the town's allegedly torpid biz climate needed. Vaya con Dios, Kim.

At least three Portland high schools failed to meet the state requirement of 990 classroom hours a year. Lincoln, Jefferson and Madison students all need to log more desk time, sez the gub'mint.

Teachers and employers watched in horror as Oregon's flu season got off to an early start, emptying desks and cubicles. Vaccine manufacturers are crying havoc, claiming a surge in demand could empty their cupboards. Feel achy? Stay home!