Beaus & Eros

[February 4th, 2004] There are personals. And then there are intimate personals, like one recently posted on portland.craigslist.org: I am a single gay HIV+ father of a 6 Yo HIV+ son having a hard time finding a man who is willing to be a Lover and Step Father....

Should I be reading this? It felt like I was intruding, but I couldn't stop.

... My son and I [are] both loving and caring for the right guy. I am drug free and drink free...40 5'8" 160 hairy and masc. also bald. I think I am funny or at least try to be and wish for someone who is ready for a family.... I know that is asking a lot but let's see if honesty truly is the best way to meet a guy. I wanted to know more.

That's why I met Dennis Haynes at his home in Beaverton, a small three-bedroom apartment he shares with his son. Over coffee, I discovered this soft-spoken man had plenty to say--much more than this column allows--and quite a story to tell, the raw material of a Lifetime movie.

Here's the short version: After a life of drug, alcohol and domestic abuse, Haynes fell into the habit of looking for love--and he "didn't care what form it came in." That behavior caused this small-town queer to pass on HIV to his second wife and third child. The boy was taken into state custody only two days after his birth. For the following three years, Haynes was at the center of a messy, much-publicized Salem custody battle. After Haynes went through therapy, rehab and several court appearances, the child was finally returned to his custody in 2000.

Despite his destructive past, Haynes was given a second chance at parenthood. And now he's trying the direct approach in finding another shot at love.

Since Haynes doesn't drink or do drugs--he says he's been sober for two years, clean for six--he finds it difficult to meet men in traditional hangouts like bars. And since he's a single dad, he says he doesn't get the chance to go out much. He considers the email his "last-ditch effort" to meet a man. But not just any man.

He says he isn't picky about looks, but he is picky about finding someone he and his son can come home to: "He has to be kind and gentle, and won't mess with my son. That would crush me."

And he's very specific about his dream date. "It would have to include my son," Haynes says. "It would be great if we could go to the Oregon Zoo or OMSI."

Although response to Haynes' personal ad has been minimal so far, he says it has helped him weed out those people who might be just looking to hook up. "My job is to protect my son," Haynes says. "The hardest thing I will ever have to do in my life is tell him that I was the reason he has HIV."

In this confessional age, I still can't stop thinking about the guts it takes for Haynes to keep looking for love. I wonder if he will get another chance. And I keep thinking that maybe his story could prove that old cliché, that when it comes to love, honesty may be the best policy. Or the only one.