Deadlifting massive amounts of news. Bringing home the gold.

[August 18th, 2004] WINNERS

The U.S. Army did a 21-million-gun salute in celebration after a Multnomah County circuit judge denied an attempt to monkeywrench the incineration of chemical weapons scheduled to begin this week near Umatilla. Army lawyers managed to dismiss lingering fears that during the burning process, deadly chemicals might, oh, we don't know... get loose, catch a gust of wind and drift into Portland, killing tens of thousands. Or something.

The majestic California condor unfolded its wings to reveal a bulging pocketbook last week. Thanks to $300,000 in public donations and a matching grant from the M.J. Murdock Charitable Trust, the Oregon Zoo Foundation will be able to double the size of its condor breeding facility--up to 16 pairs of the endangered raptor.

With the best interests of Portlanders always firmly in mind, Portland General Electric executives let out a squeal of glee after Multnomah County Circuit Judge Janice Wilson upheld her decision to strike a public utility district measure from the November ballot. The PUD measure--which would have encompassed parts of inner Southeast and Northeast Portland--was ready to go, until PGE fat cats found a way to get it deemed "unconstitutional."

LOSERS

Fish, crabs and other forms of ocean life turned green at the gills as a sinister "tide of death" lapped at the Oregon coast between Newport and Florence. The dead zone consists of cold water so low in oxygen it cannot support marine life. Scientists aren't sure what caused this "hypoxic event" but think it may be related to global warming.

As they were happily gearing up for a visit by President Bush, Port of Portland officials got a sucker punch to the gut: "K" Line, one of only two remaining trans-Pacific shippers that called on the Port, announced plans to abandon its Portland operations. Without "K" Line, which ships 63,000 containers through the city annually, some doubt the Port can survive for long.

Oregon's economic momentum came to a screeching halt this month, leaving unemployed workers on the losing end of the stick. Last week, the Oregon Employment Department reported a sluggish increase of only 400 jobs in July--peanuts compared to the monthly growth average of 4,900 jobs recorded during the first half of the year.