Stuff-That-Stocking V!

[December 8th, 2004] This year, as I've been out shopping--on company time, of course--I've noticed that George Bush is right: We're a country of queer lovers. This season, everything from boxer shorts to hair gel has become so, well, gay.

Personally, I don't see anything wrong with that.

So here are the results of all this shopping research, Queer Window's Fifth Annual Yuletide Gift Guide, filled with nifty gifts for queers and folks who just wish they could be more like us.

WORDS

Books 4 Her: It's true. Girls get off to words, not visuals. So why not send her crotch on a trip to the moon with the 10th-anniversary edition of Best Lesbian Erotica or Felice Newman's The Whole Lesbian Sex Book ($14.95, $24.95, Cleis) covering subjects like analingus and (gulp!) detachable cock-sucking. Box Lunch ($13.95, Alyson) steers queer gals into traditional cunnilingus territory, while Bottoms Up ($14, Soft Skull) is "a sleazy...ode to bottoming, topping and just plain wanting it." Soggy Sneakers: A Paddler's Guide to Oregon Rivers and Best Hikes With Dogs: Oregon ($18.95, $16.95, Mountaineers) have nothing to do with sex, but most lesbians I know would be hot for either.

Books 4 Him: Best Gay Erotica ($14.95, Cleis) is a good warm-up to 101 Gay Sex Secrets Revealed ($13.95, Alyson), which leads us to Gay Men and Anal Eroticism ($24.95, Harrington Park), a frank collection of interviews about what guys like to happen "down there." Besides sex, Taschen offers us masculine beauty via Men's Adventure Magazines ($39.99) and Surfing ($9.99). Mondo Homo ($17.95, Alyson) charts the queer invasion into all aspects of culture, including fashion, fitness and the fine arts.

Books 4 All: Bear Cooking: The Original Guide to Bear Comfort Foods ($12.95, Harrington Park) tells how to eat like a big, fat, hairy, gay guy. Fabulous! ($16.95, Broadway) takes a campy look at gay films, and Midnight at the Palace ($17.95, Alyson) peeks inside the wonderful world of the Cockettes, San Fran's legendary '60s drag collective. Pornogami ($14.95, Green Candy Press) twists Master Sugoi's origami into a variety of erotic body parts, including the amazing 3-D penis. And speaking of dicks, someone might want Marc Acito's How I Paid for College ($19.95, Broadway). This local humor columnist has hit the big time. No, I'm not bitter. Well, not much, anyway. You'll want to pick up 25 Years of Dallas ($19.95, Virtual Bookworm) and Uncle John's Slightly Irregular Bathroom Reader ($16.95, Portable) because, hell, straight people are a hoot.

STUFF

Music: I keep listening to two offbeat holiday CDs. Christmas Present is by piano man Matthew Kern, the cute dude who plays at the downtown Nordstrom (701 SW Broadway). John Waters Christmas sounds a lot more bizarre, but what would you expect from a guy who's brave enough to put Little Eva on the same record as the Chipmunks?

Linens and Things: I've died and gone to queer heaven. That's because Groovy Q has come out with Dirty Linens, a line of bed linens and sleepwear ($19 boxers, $24 lounge pants, www.groovyq.com/dirtylinens.htm) featuring Tom of Finland's graphic drawings of men having sex, all in a toile pattern. Yes, toile! How fabulous is that?

Toys: Willow and Tara might be the best friends of Buffy, the Vampire Slayer, but Willow & Tara: Together Forever (www.cinequest.com) makes them the first lesbian action-figure duo on the toy market. Who knew? Who also knew about Queer Bear? Alongside Ballsy, Bitchy and Badass, the incredibly cute QB ($29.99, www.ballsybear.com) is billed as "the world's nastiest talking teddy bear," and to me he sounds like every other queen I know. Speaking of teddy bears, Spartacus (300 SW 12th Ave.) sells both Sir Bear and Mistress Bear ($29.95 each), as well as a lot of other toys. Which brings us to...

Adult Toys: Spartacus has everything from red leather cock-and-ball dividers ($12.25) to a seven-ringed dong device called Gates of Hell ($14.50) for gents and beaded nipple ($13.50) and clit clamps ($9.25) for ladies. Fantasy for Adults Only (1512 W Burnside St. and other locations) is a great spot to load up on stuff, including lubes like Empowered Products' Gun Oil ($20.95), Jack Jelly ($22.95) and Stroke 29 ($35.95). Ballsies Jewelry ($21.95 pendant, $41.95 with 18-inch silver chain necklace, ballsies.com) lets you wear a set of "everybody's favorite baggy buddies" around your neck. And for those who always wanted to take a little off the top, there's the SmartKlamp (www.smartklamp.com), a single-use circumcision tool. Ouch!

And, oh yeah: Happy holidays!