To the victors, the spoils. To the vanquished, the boils.

[December 8th, 2004] WINNERS

Gambling addicts and the Oregon State Police celebrated their common ground this week, as Gov. Ted Kulongoski revealed plans to allow video slot machines. The money hoovered out of Oregon suckers' pockets will save the Staties a budgetary whack--so they'll have plenty of manpower to bust video-slot players after they go broke and start committing crimes.

Ka-ching! Oregon's economy may still be in the tank, but don't tell that to Schnitzer Investment Corp. , which just sold a waterfront office building at RiverPlace in Southwest for a price per square foot about 30 percent higher than downtown's previous record high.

Last week, local governments opened their cash registers to every Tom, Dick and Scary who thinks gub'mint regs have hurt their property values. On Dec. 1, the voter-approved Measure 37 went into effect, forcing government to drop its pesky rules or pay landowners affected by them. Claims for damages are flowing in.

LOSERS

Cah-razy times at America's best-run government, Multnomah County. Dr. Peter Davidson, the county's high-profile mental-health czar, resigned under pressure after a county employee alleged he intimidated her. Davidson came under fire two years ago after he allegedly called blacks "mud people" and described poor folks as "Jerry Springer families." This time, he supposedly tried to strong-arm a female county worker into keeping mum to the media about discrimination allegations. Buh-bye!

Elsewhere in Pink Slip Land, Oregon legislative leaders handed Legislative Counsel Greg Chaimov an ominous note last Tuesday. It read, "Sign this before we stop talking, or we'll fire you." Chaimov got the message--he resigned, telling reporters he had no idea why he lost his position at the head of the 50-lawyer office that writes proposed laws. House Speaker Karen Minnis, who fought with Chaimov over tax legislation earlier this year, attributes his exit to "personal" differences.

Corrections deputies at the Washington County jail continue to rack up fun headlines--last week, releasing the wrong inmate by mistake. In recent years, other WaCo deputies have been caught surfing porn at work, smoking pot, falling asleep while guarding criminals, refusing to let murder suspects turn themselves in, and allowing convicts on work crews to skip gaily away to freedom.