Xmas Wishes from the North Nostril

[December 22nd, 2004] The Nose adores the holidays. The clanging of Salvation Army bells. The Festival of Lights. The sweet deals for the little Noses at downtown's fine pawn shops. Getting into a brawl with a crazed shopper in the Washington Square Mall parking lot--wait, that was Halloween.

Anyway. In the holiday spirit, the Nose wants to send a SantaGram to some very special Portlanders. The Nose knows just what they need.

For Vicki Phillips, Portland's fresh-off-the-boat school superintendent: a break. OK, the woman made some dubious hires back in Pennsylvania. No reason to run her out of town. After all, we must go to school with the superintendent we have, not the one we want.

For Sebastian Telfair, our youngest Blazer: the gift of a selfish attitude, a whiny disposition, a few misdemeanors and a pit bull. So he can fit right in.

For Tim Nashif and the entire Defense of Marriage Coalition gang: a copy of the bestselling book The Five People You Meet in Heaven. (Hint: One of them is named Bruce.)

For Ward Weaver, pride of Oregon City: dioxin-enriched soup made by the finest chefs in Ukraine.

For Oregon Health & Science University: a bake sale. With its difficulty raising money and the announced budget cuts by Gov. Ted Kulongoski, Pill Hill will need all of the Nose's "super brownies" it can get.

For voters in Oregon: a videotape of Gov. Kulongoski, shot in his remote mountain hideout, so we'll know he's still alive.

For Multnomah County's Diane Linn: a spider hole to hide in.

For the city's Bureau of Environmental Services: a blank check for the Big Pipe sewer project. Oh, right, it already has one.

For restaurateurs Thomas Hurley and Greg Higgins: foie gras-flavored breath spray.

For animal-rights activist Matt Rossell: pleather jackboots.

For Lars Larson: a phone trap so the 'winger radio host can track down the nasty, nameless (and probably spineless) leftists who keep threatening him on his home phone.

For Tom Potter: a mini-iPod pre-loaded with Ludacris' hit single "Get Back" so the mayor-to-be can stay in touch with the youth vote (Tom--kids in hip-hop circles call the fat man "S-Claz") and as a reminder of his stomping of Jim Francesconi ("See, I caught him with a right hook, caught him with a jab, caught him with an upper cut, kicked him in his ass").

For the crew at Texas Pacific: a lovely carpet and matching bag.

For the Nose: an all-expense-paid trip to Gary, Ind.--so he can remember how a city with real problems looks.

Finally, for his boss at Willamette Week: a story idea that isn't about a certain former mayor/governor, tasers, born-again Christians, or underfed indie rockers. Please!