The news equivalent of Lee Press-On Nails.

[January 12th, 2005] WINNERS

Remember Al French, the Clackamas County prosecutor who somersaulted into a world of hurt after helping the so-called Swift Boat Veterans for Truth slime John Kerry? French won vindication of a sort this week when the state's Elections Division decided he didn't break the law by using publicly owned equipment to prepare an affidavit used by the Swifties' smear campaign. French still faces investigation by the state bar association--plus eventual arraignment in a Higher Court, if you catch our drift.

Portlanders with an itch to donate to tsunami-relief efforts will be relieved to learn that Mercy Corps and Northwest Medical Teams, the city's two most prominent international relief agencies, are good financial citizens. Both have once again received high marks for spending efficiency from charity watchdogs. In other news, their respective head honchos met with President Bush and Secretary of State Colin Powell this week.

Forgive the punnery, but...doggone became dogfound when Phoenix, a shepherd mix whose theft from a downtown Portland parking garage on Dec. 28 became major local news, was spotted sitting in the median of I-205 near the airport Jan. 2 and was reunited with her happy owners last Thursday.

LOSERS

Lovers of serenity in a couple of Oregon's most lovely places cringed this week at news that property owners in the Gorge and around Wallowa Lake plan to claim damages under Measure 37. The voter-approved law may allow further development in such not-yet-ruined areas.

Salem doctor Jerome Lentini allegedly found a new wrinkle in the vanity of suckers: The FBI dropped by Lentini's clinic last week, looking for evidence that he injected patients with a version of botox meant for use on animals.

The Archdiocese of Portland sought shelter in bankruptcy court last year rather than fight claims from people who claimed sexual abuse at the hands of diocesan employees. Now the local outlet of the Roman Catholic Church must spend nearly $300,000 on newspaper ads to try to identity additional victims. Sign up by April 29, or you may miss the collection plate.