The News, compacted.

[February 2nd, 2005] WINNERS

Tremendous news for gambling addicts : They have yet another way to reduce themselves to sniveling penury as of this week. Slot machines, which is what we have in Oregon instead of a sound state fiscal policy, went on line in taverns around the state. Pawnbrokers, divorce lawyers and owners of check-cashing businesses were all in unaccountably good moods.

Portland's small community of Iraqi expatriates got to do something other Oregonians do at least every two years-wrestle with a long, complicated ballot and elect a legislature packed with dubious characters. But they had to go to California to do it; apparently vote-by-mail comes later.

Oregon hopheads raised a frothy glass of Dutch courage at the news that Pyramid Brewing will start producing 80,000 barrels a year at its new subsidiary, Portland Brewing. The company needs to free up its Seattle brewery to make "malternatives"-sorority girls, rejoice!

LOSERS

Dan Doyle has joined the trash heap of disgraced Oregon lawmakers. On Monday, the Salem representative, a member of the party of moral values, resigned from the Legislature after officials began investigating whether he misappropriated thousands of dollars in campaign funds for "personal use." Come on, guys-what's a lousy sixty large between friends?

The Trail Blazers added another bad-conduct tick to their record when forward Darius Miles repeatedly flung racial insults at Coach Maurice Cheeks, earning himself a two-game suspension. However, heartwarmingly enough, the Blazers pulled together a win over the Clippers-to "show support" for their struggling coach, and not because they are sick of being pathetic losers or anything. Duh.

Oregon road-sign crews will have more work ahead, with the Legislature gearing up to repeal a bill requiring drivers to put on the brakes in school zones at all hours. Meanwhile, Marion County had signage problems of its own after a set of adopt-a-road signs recognizing the American Nazi Party went missing. (They look great in our office, by the way.)