CONFESSIONS OF A DVD-AHOLIC

[September 21st, 2005] My name is David, and I'm a DVD-aholic. Maybe you know someone like me-a person who has a massive collection of films on DVD, many of which they own for reasons they can't explain. There are three bookcases in the living room, as well as several boxes, a full bag in the dining room, and random discs scattered throughout the office. And let's not forget the DVDs I've loaned out, all of which are accounted for on a list. The sad part is that I haven't watched most of the discs I own. Hell, over half the discs are still shrink-wrapped. I just feel compelled to possess them.

The reason I'm sharing all of this with you is not that I want to brag. No one should be bragging that they have D.C. Cab, Rock 'n' Roll Frankenstein or Lord of the G-Strings on DVD (that last one was a free promo I got in the mail, FYI). The reason I'm telling you all of this is because I have a problem. My home is filled with hundreds of DVDs, infesting the place like roaches, and I can't stop getting them. I hunt for bargains online; I see sales at Fred Meyer and I become giddy. The other week I stood in a store holding a double-feature disc of Lou Ferrigno Hercules movies, debating whether I should buy it. Keep in mind I hate both movies-it was just that two movies on one disc for such a low price was a deal I could not pass up.

It would seem the DVD market is designed for people just like me (and you know who you are), who lose their minds over being able to say, "You know, I've got four versions of Dawn of the Dead on DVD, along with three versions on VHS, giving me a grand total of seven copies of one movie." It's no wonder I'm still single.

A recent visit to a friend's house revealed he was a DVD-aholic as well. The difference between him and me is that he takes most of his out of the shrinkwrap so no one will make fun of him. We were bitching about Sin City-which we both own-and how we were pissed that there were no bonus features. Then we bitched about the upcoming Sin City special edition, and we couldn't deny that we'd both be getting that one as well.

So what's the point of this confession? Well, they say admitting the problem is half the battle. I need to stop this madness. And if you're like me, you need to stop it, too. The motion-picture industry is making billions of dollars every year in DVD sales because people like you and me are willing to have two copies of Enter the Dragon and The Princess Bride on our shelves. We are being exploited by an industry that knows how important it is for us to own a special-edition disc with deleted scenes we'll never watch, and an audio commentary we'll never listen to. It's time we said, "Enough is enough!"-and we will, just as soon as The Warriors special edition comes out.