Go for the Gold: BLONDES RULE

[July 11th, 2001] How do you drown a blonde?
Put a scratch 'n' sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool.

Under such bitchy and targeted abuse, why does the blonde movement persist?

Yes, movement.

Today, as we sit wedged between Monday's "National Blonde Day" and the fluffy fact that on Friday the 13th a peroxide-augmented Reese Witherspoon will be unleashed in the summer flick Legally Blonde, we must ponder the pale truth. Although National Blonde Day (ostensibly founded by the Los Angeles "Blonde Legal Defense Club") is nothing more than a deadpan promo puff for Reese's new movie, distinguished periodicals, like the Washington Post and The Times of London, have reported it as a bona-fide cultural groundswell. Apparently a long-ridiculed subgroup is rising up to claim its rights and celebrate its follicles.

Blondes of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but your brains!

If the ground is swelling, Portland is the tip of the whitehead. Ours is a blonde town. Stroll the Pearl or P-town's downtown core and behold "sunkissed" towheads of both genders brandishing their brassy tresses. Often they roam in pairs, looking fresh-dipped from the same bottle of Clairol.

So what's so big about blonde? I asked Susanne Clift, stylist at 615 Broadway Salon and assisted blonde: "I think lighter colors represent youth to people--it's about recapturing your own childhood. When you're blonde, you feel sparkly, more vibrant--you feel like you can get away with more."

Yet according to the BLDC, goldy-locks are a hindrance to social and professional acceptance. The club's mission: "To stop the widespread belief that blondes are dumb and incapable. To destroy blonde stereotypes and publicize blonde accomplishments throughout history, dispelling the myths and mistakes about blondes, both natural and chemically created. To ultimately make sure hair color isn't a factor in work or social environments."

Back up.

Maybe it should be a factor. Maybe that's where all that have-more-fun hooey comes from. The scratch 'n' sniff sticker blonde joke is my favorite of the canon because with a few words, it touches all the bewitching clichés that make up the Blonde Identity: ingenuousness, attraction to anything cute and sweet-smelling, a kind of bluff and harmless (except to herself) stupidity. It's a classic archetype--the dupable bombshell, the wide-eyed sex kitten. Does stylist Clift think this stereotype still exists? "I think some blondes work it," she says. "I've been known to do it myself. I enjoy taking certain people by surprise. I ride motorcycles, and in that world, blondes usually ride in the back."

Yet for every Marilyn Monroe, there's a Candice Bergen (fiery, smart-as-the-dickens hellcat) or a Grace Kelly (out-of-reach ice maiden). Among the menfolk, sure, we've got Leonardo DiCaprio at one end, but we've got Kenneth Branagh at the other (although he was dumb to divorce Emma Thompson). The roster of Golden Girls and Boys is simply too diverse to generalize. And hair hoppers seeking their inner blonde could be reaching for any persona in the book--those who settle on ditz do so at their own risk.

Clift has been styling hair for almost 20 years, and she says that clients seeking a color change overwhelmingly demand blonde. "About 75 percent want blonde or at least to go lighter," says Clift. It's often a self-selecting group. Artificial redheads and brunettes tend to do the job themselves. Does she ever discourage anyone from bleaching? "Sure. If the hair is too damaged, too dark or too long, it's just not worth it. It's impossible to get a good even shade and impossible to maintain." What about those who won't take no for an answer? "You can brighten up hair without the extreme commitment of going blonde--with highlights, for example. We know a lot more about hair color now than we used to."

For those who are ready to lighten up, Clift recommends consulting a professional stylist before blonding for the first time. Of all dyes, it's the trickiest to master. One false step and you're Pammy Anderson circa Baywatch. Speaking of her V.I.P.-ness, she is lauded as a model blonde on the Legally Blonde film website. Her "historical accomplishment," that is, getting a breast reduction to shift attention "to another, more important asset: her hair," is duly noted. Dress Listings

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Embellishment Bead and Button Show

It's "the complete shopping and learning experience for the creative individual!" View beads, buttons, baubles, art glass and jewelry. Witness free demos, attend beading classes, be impressed by itty-bitty, intricate thingies.

Oregon Convention Center, 777 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd. 10 am-7 pm Thursday-Saturday, July 12-14. $3 (seniors)-$5.

Belmont Art Crawl

Neighborhood merchants Realm 8, Stumptown Coffee, It's a Beautiful Pizza and Seaplane will be open late to showcase new work by local artists, including photos by Sam Gould, paintings by Timothy Scott Dalbow and films by the tiny picture club.

3300-3400 SE Belmont St., 7-9 pm Friday, July 13. Free.