Reducing complex issues to chewable chunks.

[October 29th, 2003] WINNERS

Honolulu bounty hunter Duane "Dog" Chapman reaped a PR bumper-crop after Oregon authorities warned him to stay out of the case of missing Beaverton teenager Mimi Smith. Smith relatives blasted Washington County authorities and hailed the Dog's offer to help find the girl, who appears to have absconded with her thirtysomething softball coach.

After an ugly August ousting by Mayor Vera Katz, former Police Chief Mark Kroeker was able to salvage his self-image on the way out of Portland. Last Thursday he announced he's bound for Liberia, to help the United Nations' multinational police as the country rebuilds in the wake of civil war.

Video-crackheads , rejoice! The Oregon Lottery Commission voted last week to purchase souped-up video-poker machines to help fill a $67 million revenue hole. Currently shopping for a new brand identity, the state could do worse than the slogan, "Making money off its most pathetic citizens!"

Klamath Basin farmers got some good news this week when a report from the National Research Council claimed that simply diverting irrigation water back into the parched ecosystem won't save the local fish.

LOSERS

Police rounded up more than 150 wife-beating scumbags and hopefully dispatched them to re-education camps in the Clackamas hinterlands. Authorities served the outstanding warrants to mark Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

Oregon National Guard chieftain Maj. Gen. Alexander Burgin took a blow when Guv Ted asked him to step down over allegations of an improper relationship with the aptly named Master Sgt. Cha Cha Gillett.

Around 40,000 of the Oregon Health Plan 's 88,000 members have been dropped from the government-run insurance system this year for not paying their monthly premiums--sometimes as little as $6. The ejected will be able to rejoin the plan in six months.