Defense of Marriage Coalition

[August 4th, 2004] Fools that we are, the Rogue Desk naively assumed that if the constitutional ban on gay marriage fails to pass, the only result will be continued debate about the issue. Thank God® the Defense of Marriage Coalition is around to set us, uh, straight.

In a letter sent to the 244,587 Oregonians who signed their petition, the DMC revealed what's really at stake for kids if the amendment doesn't pass.

"Beginning in kindergarten, children will be taught that marriage between two men is the same as marriage between a man and a woman," the letter says. "Sex-education classes will be required to teach homosexuality as a legitimate option."

This was all news to Gene Evans, spokesman for the state schools. "The Oregon Department of Education couldn't require kindergarten teachers to do that even if we wanted to," Evans says. "The curriculum is set through a public process, and right now there is no marriage curriculum in any grade."

So as long as we're all making stuff up, let's round out this new curriculum with the items the DMC didn't mention:

1. Starting in preschool, girls will wear overalls and keep their hair less than two inches long at all times. Boys must, must, must accessorize.

2. In gym class, kids will work out on Stairmaster machines, with intense techno music or Melissa Etheridge playing in the background.

3. School lunch? Hummus and quiche--every day.

4. Pledge of Allegiance will be replaced by a daily rendition of Elton John's "Candle in the Wind" to a rainbow flag every morning.

5. Girls will still take metal shop, but boys will learn floral arranging and interior design.

6. The history curriculum will begin with a deep and prolonged study of ancient Greek culture, then will jump several thousand years forward so students can learn the real, super-hot history of Lewis and Clark.

7. Music class will no longer consist of learning to play instruments. Instead, kids will memorize songs from important Broadway musicals, with a special emphasis on high kicks and jazz hands.