A week of holiday cheer, plus all the haplessness you may have ignored.

[December 22nd, 2004] WINNERS

Downtown business owners, guilt-ridden shoppers and the spirit of Scrooge notched a big win last week when, just in time for the holidays, the Portland City Council unanimously approved a controversial "sit-lie" ordinance. Now groups of three or more who sit or stand on sidewalks can be arrested if they are homele--er, if they are blocking pedestrians. Out of sight, out of mind. Let's go to Nordstrom!

Just in time for Xmas, cynics found something under their tree. The Portland Fire Bureau announced that Oregon National Guard medic Mark Vrvilo, currently serving in Iraq, is also receiving Bureau disability pay. Vrvilo apparently worked as a firefighter for just a few months before claiming he hurt his back in training. An investigation revealed that he failed to tell fire recruiters about an accident injury before he signed on. A Google of his name revealed that he's more than able to tote injured soldiers--so Portland wants $85,000 he's collected in injury pay back.

Benton County prosecutors succeeded in getting bail set at $1 million Friday for Sung Koo Kim, 30, the so-called "panty man" who allegedly stole thousands of pairs of women's underwear from dorms at Portland's Concordia University, Lewis & Clark College and the University of Portland, among other places. Kim is a suspect in the disappearance of Oregon State student Brooke Wilberger, who vanished last spring.

LOSERS

Look, the kid was just looking for storage for all the movies he downloaded, OK? Overly clever Portland teen Gregory Aaron Herns will do federal time, pay $200,000 in restitution and limit his computer use for three years. His crime? All the boy did was hack NASA. Man--hope they never find out where we're sticking all that stuff off Kazaa.

Congress has its knickers in a twist after Sen. Ron Wyden blurted out bits of supposedly classified Intelligence Committee information. Instead of keeping tight-lipped about "a major acquisition program" that is "too expensive" and "unnecessary," he criticized the $9.5 billion spy satellite system, fueling the fire of hawkish Americans and their crusade against traitor Democrats. After all, if we can't conceal the existence of government boondoggles, who among us is safe?

Bad news for Oregon National Guard troops: The Oregonian determined that our "weekend warriors" are three times as likely to die in Iraq as Guardspeople from other states.