More efficient than the Eagles' two-minute drill.

[February 9th, 2005] WINNERS

Local secret agents, mob informants and Indiana Jones wannabes breathed a sigh of relief at the news that the Legislature is considering a ban on carnivorous piranhas. If Senate Bill 125 passes, Oregon's supervillains will have to drain their giant underground piranha tanks and devise new ways to dispose of hostages. Might we suggest sharks with frickin' lasers attached to their heads?

California haters took deeply perverted pleasure in news that in-migrants from that callow kingdom south of Brookings are the main reason houses in Portland are so expensive, despite a national property slide.

Shipping magnates, longshoremen and people who love, love, love merchant seamen found a little joy in the fine print of King Dubya's 2006 budget. Even while he's slashing like a man imprisoned in kudzu when it comes to social spending, Shrublet still wants $15 million to dredge the Columbia River channel, a move Port of Portland advocates say is needed to make way for modern mega-ships.

LOSERS

Did The Oregonian build its Broadway HQ over an ancient Indian burial ground? A rough patch for the cursed daily turned grim when the subject of a front-page story on the plight of the uninsured last Wednesday lied to a reporter, claiming he lost his job because of lymphoma. Unfortunately, he didn't have lymphoma, forcing the O into an embarrassing retraction.

Life for the Columbia's already-endangered steelhead trout could become more dangerous, as both Oregon and Washington push to allow gill-net fishing for Chinook salmon. Conservation and fishing groups are up in arms, saying the nets are likely to snag steelhead, quelling progress made in the trout's rebound.

Washington County corrections deputies found themselves red-faced after a predatory sex offender escaped their clutches—for a second time. Ernest Ayers, in the clink for a 1980 knifepoint rape, walked away from WashCo custody and, it seems, got straight back to work. He's the prime suspect in a series of metro-area bank robberies; reassuringly, he vowed during his last trial to "stop leaving live victims." This is his fourth recorded escape. Uh, hello?

CORRECTION: The print version of this Winners & Losers column incorrectly described the escape of convicted rapist Ernest Ayers. Ayers escaped from the Community Corrections Center in Washington County, where he was under the supervision of county parole and probation officers. Washington County corrections deputies were not responsible for Ayers at the time of his escape. WW regrets the error.