America's Hometown News Source

[March 9th, 2005] WINNERS

Atheist public-school kids will no longer have to cry themselves to sleep after being excluded from the Boy Scouts. The Oregon Court of Appeals upheld a ruling that barred the Scouts from recruiting in schools, since a belief in The Big Guy is a prereq for all merit badges. (We hear the Devil might be starting his own Pinebox Derby-stay tuned.)

"What the hell happened? Why am I not dead?" Pro-lifers couldn't have invented a better sound bite than David Prueitt's first words after waking up three days after taking a "lethal" cocktail of prescribed poisons. The Estacada lung-cancer victim's botched exit gives ammo to those who think the feds should terminate Oregon's Death with Dignity Act.

Good news for everyone with a power outlet in their house-Prezident Dubya's plan to make the Northwest's federal power agency, the Bonneville Power Administration, sell juice at market rates appears DOA in Congress. The BPA currently subsidizes its power sales.

LOSERS

Sure, Mo Cheeks is a great guy. But his green coaching techniques and this season's crappy Blazer record-22 wins, 35 losses at press time-make it obvious that sensitivity and a good-natured personality do not an NBA coach make. The Blazers cut Cheeks loose the morning after getting pummeled by ex-teammate Rasheed Wallace's Pistons.

Scofflaw caviar connoisseurs must find a new source for illicit fish eggs after Johnny Law busted a trafficking ring involving local Russians, Ukrainians and Native American tribal members. The syndicate allegedly sold eggs from poached Columbia River sturgeon-sometimes to passengers in the limo driven by one participant.

In slightly more unsettling criminal-justice news, The Oregonian reported that the Oregon Youth Authority ignored 10 years of warnings about probation officer Michael Boyles, who was arrested last year. Boyles has been charged with 91 counts of sex crimes against minors in his care-though 20 of the counts were dropped after Aaron Munoz, one of Boyles' former charges, hanged himself in prison in January.