Nostradamus-style journalism!

[April 13th, 2005] WINNERS

Bike lovers, hybrid owners and other eco-friendly do-gooders hoisted their Clif Bars with glee as gas prices became more bloated than the average Saudi prince's bankroll. In Portland, the average price for a gallon of regular hit $2.41 on Monday. Thinking of trading in your Hummer for a Schwinn and a tattered Critical Mass T-shirt? Now's the time.

Degenerate gamblers (plus their therapists and bankruptcy attorneys) enjoyed a banner week. The state lottery cut a deal with bar owners that's expected to bring exciting new opportunities in the world of online slot machines to a pub near you. Not to be outdone, resourceful Gov. Ted Kulongoski-a onetime gambling skeptic-inked a pact to allow the Warm Springs tribes to build a casino in Cascade Locks, a mere 45 minutes from Portland. Don't worry-we hear almost everyone wins big.

Embattled underlings of the world , celebrate! City employee Frank Dufay scored a win against the Power this week. City Commissioner Randy Leonard and Auditor Gary Blackmer wanted to paddywhack Dufay because he released audit info on Leonard to one of the commish's political foes last year; a city appeals board basically told 'em to get a life. The board transformed Dufay's two-week unpaid suspension into a mere letter of reprimand, with pay restored.

LOSERS

The corporate-takeover cowboys at Texas Pacific Group admitted that the millions they spent trying to rustle-we mean, buy-Portland General Electric only bought what Mom used to call "a learning opportunity." Texas Pacific bowed out of the PGE sweepstakes a month after Oregon utility regulators crumpled its bid for the state's biggest power company. Hasta la vista, hombres.

Baaaad karma, bro! Ex-faithful from the sorta-New Age, sorta-Christian Wilsonville megachurch Living Enrichment Center are questioning the cosmic order after Mary Morrissey, the church's former leader, dodged criminal charges for her role in its financial collapse. Morrissey promises to pay back the $10.7 million she personally borrowed from her flock, but she won't do time for fleecing some churchgoers of their life savings. Her aura, however, will undoubtedly suffer.

Another rough week in the life of the Oregon National Guard: A roadside bomb in Iraq killed one guardsman, the 11th Oregon Guard member to die in Saddam's former realm since March 2003. Meanwhile, the U.S. Supreme Court spiked another guardsman's final attempt to challenge the Army "stop-loss" policies. Even though the enlistment term he signed on for is over, Emiliano Santiago will be summering in Afghanistan this year.