Slip Sliding Away

[February 22nd, 2006] Once upon a time (in the early '90s), I busted a nut atop a Canadian Olympic ice dancer who was in town for an all-star skate show.

Oh, the memories.

Of course, with my intimate knowledge of the inner workings of the sport, I've become an unofficial Winter Olympics expert (hey, it worked for Jeff Gillooly). Considering the fact that no one else at WW is up for giving Turin (scusa, "Torino") commentary, I thought I'd give it the ol' gay-go. Ever since the opening ceremonies, TV viewership has been in a deep freeze, with ratings far below the '02 games. But I'm here to tell you that you're missin' out.

First off, who knew men could sport camel-toe? In skateboard lingo "camel-toes" are concrete structures placed between two or more quarter-pipes. But in speed skating camel-toe (or in this case, moose-knuckle) looks just like the ladies' version. Which means each time gold-medal winners, like America's appropriately named Joey "Nice Butt" Cheek, take a step in their skintight race suits, instead of sporting a bulge it looks more like they've got a "man-gina" tucked up in there. For more realistic camel-toe action, though, nothing—and we mean nothing—beats the women's luge.

And what's with the "personal medals" given out by NBC's sportscasters during the ice-skating competitions? So a Chinese chick takes a hard lump to the knee. We're supposed to congratulate her because she finished her routine? Yeah, OK, I choked back tears when I saw Zhang Dan limp off the ice. But, for ice-sakes, she got the silver medal. What the hell does she do with a "personal medal"? I thought honors like those were reserved for more "special" Olympics.

Ratings went in the toilet the moment eternal medal bridesmaid Michelle Kwan pulled out of the show. It's a shame, really, because another self-proclaimed ice "princess" lit up the rink with flamboyant behavior. Yes, pinkie-ringed 21-year-old Johnny Weir makes Richard Simmons look butch. Dubbed "eccentric" (read: queer) during a pre-performance profile, Weir exemplifies everything that's gay about figure skating—glittery costumes, diva behavior—with just enough Tonya-style trashy tumbles to keep it all interesting. Yeah, the flamer may have flamed out in the finals, but he's still a queenie keeper.

And speaking of interesting, isn't it nice that our friends at Nike have put all their chips behind the biggest loser, both on and off the slopes: Bode Miller. As a non-sports fan, I can appreciate a total dick who is successful (like Chad Hedrick), or a hardworking, humble person who hasn't quite measured up to hype (like Apolo Ohno). But a dick who's also a failure when the spotlight is shining brightest on him is nothing short of pathetic. Thank god it's two whole years before the Beijing Olympics.