Weed! Werewolves! Wicca!

[June 7th, 2006] When Earth's most stupendous Internet search engine unveiled Google Trends last month, amateur sociologists and time-wasting cubicle inmates everywhere found a new reason to live.

The highly addictive new feature ranks cities according to how often their citizens Google for any given search term. Thanks to G-Trends (www.google.com/trends), for example, we now know that the pervy people of Brentford, England, seek out "fetish" more than anyone. Rennes, France, is the Internet capital of "lingerie." And as WW reported two weeks ago, Portlanders search "impeach Bush" more than any Americans except those pinkos in Madison, Wisc.

That got us wondering: What else can Google Trends tell us about Portland's secret desires and strangest interests? After a few solid hours of "research," we made some illuminating discoveries.

DOPE

Judging by Google Trends, Portlanders love their controlled substances. We rank first in the world in searches for "marijuana." And "meth." And "liquer" —even though we don't crack the global Top 10 for the correctly spelled "liquor." It seems, however, that Portland's days as a smack capital are bygone—Melbourne, Perth, New York and Seattle all make the Top 10 for "heroin," but PDX is absent. When it comes to "microbrew," we're No. 1 by a landslide. Less gloriously, Portland ranks sixth for "cigs."

MONSTERS

What's up with our fantasy fixation? Portland ranks in the worldwide top three for "zombie," "werewolf," "pirate" and "bigfoot." We're No. 4 for "ogre" (just behind Seattle), the unchallenged el numero uno for "fairie" and second only to Auckland, New Zealand, for "nymph." That's all just...weird.

SEX

In general, foreigners are kinkier. (Seattle is the only American city in the global Top 10 for "bondage." ) On the strictly national level, though, our perversions do us proud. We're No. 4 for "sex machines" and tops in the U.S.A. for "furries." (If you don't know what furries are...we'll explain when you're older.)

GOD

Hello, esoterica. Portland's searches for mainstream denominations don't even make the national charts. But we're sixth in the U.S. for "wicca," fifth in the nation for "voodoo," second for the Norse pagan movement "Asatru" and third for "Baha'i." Though we may not be well-churched, Portlanders are uniquely interested in joining the ministry: We rank No. 1 in the U.S. for searches on the quickie-ordination factory "Universal Life Church."

POLITICS

Not only are we second for "impeach Bush," Portland ranks No. 1 on the planet for "I hate Bush." Alert the Secret Service (or have the NSA let them know): We're third in the world for "kill Bush," behind Seattle and San Francisco. Lest it be said we have one-track minds, we're second nationally for both "anarchy" and "fascism." (Which may explain why we're No. 2 in the world for "pretentious.")

PREDICTABLE...AND NOT SO MUCH

It's hardly a surprise that Portland beats every other city in the world for Googles on "assisted suicide," "vegan," "bike repair" and (sadly) "unemployment." But, um...we rank ninth worldwide for "kiddie porn"? Fourth for "underage sex"? Sixth for "eugenics"? And only No. 8 on the globe for "nalgene"?

Before we jump to sweeping conclusions, it's worth nothing that Google warns its stats may not be totally accurate. Not that that's ever stopped us before.