Best of Portland: PLAY

[August 9th, 2006]

Best Gambrinous Psychedelic Monday Night Bingo

Sidle into the bar, past the cavorting fluorescent ghouls and freaks. Amble over to the pool table to ogle the goods. Will you take home the hula hoop tonight? The cap gun? The 54-inch inflatable toy? Grab a cold one and listen as DJ Stonecold spins some rare Johnny Cash gems. This is Stonecold County Bingo , held Monday nights at the Sideshow Lounge at Sabala's at Mount Tabor (4811 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 238-1646). The ground rules are pretty simple. False bingos buy Stonecold a drink. Drink on any number that sounds vaguely like a word: B-9 (benign) and B-1 (bone) for example, and the eternal faves I-21 and O-69. If Stonecold's in a good mood and the crowd is lively, the prizes have been known to include free drinks.

Best Hiking Trail for Brave Trick-or-Treaters

Sure, it may seem an innocuous place, but underneath Oaks Bottom Wildlife Refuge 's (Southeast 7th Avenue and Sellwood Boulevard) calm surface lies something sinister. Its main trail, encircling a marshy lake perfect for floating in face down, seems almost too well-suited for a horror flick. What's so creepy about it? First, there's the giant mausoleum above, with a massive painting of a heron on its exterior and a barely concealed view of its many floors of death (probably all filled with ghouls, too). Second, the entire trail is within earshot of Oaks Amusement Park, meaning that screams from roller-coaster riders are as common here as birdsong. Throw in all the trash dumped into the park from the surrounding cliffs, and it's no wonder some truly disturbing things have gone down at Oaks Bottom. You'vebeen warned.

Best Puke Producer

Some argue that the best attraction at Oaks Amusement Park (7100 Oaks Park Way), the 101-year-old gem at the foot of the east side of the Sellwood Bridge, is the 20,000-foot roller-skating rink, where you will find the best legs on any group of senior citizens in the city. Others think it is the July 4 picnic, where up to 5,000 people haul their Webers down to the park by the river to eat, drink and watch fireworks.For our money, however, we like the rides at this small, clean and family-friendly amusement park. Our favorite? The Scream-N-Eagle , sort of a high-altitude swing set that rotates 360 degrees and slams 5.1 g's of force against your body. For the Top Gun in all of us.

Best Adult Toy Store

When Laughing Planet owner Richard Satnick decided to indulge his gonzo Godzilla obsession last year, he teamed up with art-toy aficionado Shannon Stewart to open a new store and gallery in the space formerly occupied by the kitsch-filled Spoink! Missing Link Toys (3314 SE Belmont St., 235-0032, missinglinktoys.com) is no KB Toys—many of the unique wares on display are limited editions priced at $60 and up, and the love of all things quirky (including those weird-ass Sugs and TinPo's from local urban vinyl-makers UNKL Brand ) that characterizes Satnick's bent look at life is still evident. Where else in town can you find contagiously cute Giant Plush Microbes (they're viruses you can cuddle) alongside a case of Mothrafigurines?

Best Place to Sling a Sliothar

In a city blooming with leagues for "retro" sports like roller derby and kickball, more established sports get overlooked by local fans. No, not the Trail Blazers—ignoring that franchise is willful and necessary, not unfortunate. So what's Portland's most unfairly overlooked sporting event? Three clues: It's nearly 800 years old, involves a camán and sliothar, and has a spinoff called Scottish Shinty. Give up? It's hurling , and if you've never heard of it, you're probably not Irish—it's old Eire's national sport. But it's not too late to discover this combination of rugby, hockey and soccer. Columbia Red Branch (columbiaredbranch.com), Portland's own Gaelic Athletic Association franchise, has been keeping hurling and Gaelic football alive in the Rose City for four years, competing against clubs from all across the country. Both men and women can join and play these games with that rare potential to enliven one's social life and provide awesome scars. The '06 season kicked off against the rival Seattle Gaels last month, and Red Branch doesn't look like it's giving up anytime soon. The Irish aren't exactly the quitting type.

Best Place to Live Out the Movie Girlfight

When Michelle Rodriguez auditioned for 2000's roughhouse boxer flick Girlfight, she'd never acted before. But she looked tough as hell, and two months of training in the sweet science didn't hurt, either. Women's boxing classes are everywhere now, but at Matt Dishman Community Center (77 NE Knott St., 823-3673) you get the real thing in a real ring. No pink-and-frilly pugilists here: The Knott Street Boxing Club has sent winning fighters to the Olympics and the National Amateur Athletic Union Championships, as well as produced 1975 Top World Lightweight and Oregon Sports Hall-of-Famer Ray Lampkin, who still trains boxers in Portland. Don't expect to be coached into fame right away, though—this twice-weekly evening course is called "Boxing Fitness For Women" and consists mostly of jumping rope and brutalizing the heavy bag. There's no contact in class, but you never know when those newfound punching skills will come in handy. Besides, you might get discovered and whisked off to Vegas to beat the crap out of Tonya Harding.Best Place to Incite aGallic-Roman Street Fight

Bocce and pétanque. While they might share a strain or two of Mediterranean influence, underneath the surface, there's a riot going on. Consider it a longstanding grudge match: Julius Caesar trounces Gaul in 58 B.C., France sacks Naples in 1494, back and forth for centuries—and now the gloves are off, and cojones are flying. With smaller, albeit heavy steel balls, pétanque, is a spryer, more laissez-faire game than either its cousin, bocce, or its bastard kin, horseshoes; but bocce—with its grapefruit-sized balls—claims the weight of centuries-old domination. Which came first, the pallino or the boules? Let history decide—meet you at the two clay bocce courts in the North Park Blocks (Northwest 8th Avenue and Glisan Street).

Best Way to Put Some Zing in Your Swing

For centuries, miniature golf was only for lame dates and children's birthdays. But Underdog Sports (underdogportland.com) has changed all that. Portland-based Underdog realized miniature golf needed booze. Thus, the Drinks on the Links Miniature Golf League was born. Every Wednesday at 7:30 pm, tipsy teams of six (three guys, three gals) meet at Tualatin Island Greens mini golf course (20400 SW Cipole Road, Tualatin). They knock their brightly colored balls over bridges and through windmills, drinking when appropriate, and occasionally aiming. The next day, if they remember golfing, putters can check scores and standings at Underdog's website. Drinks on the Links' next five-week season kicks off on Aug. 16. Golfers pay $50 apiece or $295 per team. Plus, you'll probably get to meet John Daly.