The Scalpel of the Fourth Estate

[September 6th, 2006] WINNERS

Great news for a state that cannot fund its schools or basic social services. Thanks to Oregon's "kicker" law, which regurgitates income taxes when receipts exceed forecasts by more than 2 percent, the state will shovel more than $1.3 billion back to Oregon taxpayers next year. Shortest school year in the nation + kicker = fun! Everyone can buy Jet Skis!

About 550 kids in North Portland will get to attend a brand new school this week that shows how government can do things right. The Rosa Parks Elementary School is the heart of New Columbia, an extraordinary neighborhood created by the Housing Authority of Portland that includes affordable housing, green spaces, retail and workforce training.

Oregon and OSU football can take a back seat for the moment to the new powerhouse coming from the Park Blocks. While the Ducks and Beavers beat up on weaker opponents, Portland State's Vikings got the biggest local win on the first weekend of the fan bacchanal that is college football by upsetting New Mexico 17-6.

LOSERS

The number of people who actually in favor of illegal immigration remains near zero, but normal human beings can't help but root against the redneck cretins and crypto-fascist nativist yahoos harassing Hispanic day-laborers in Cornelius. With their catcalls and abusive signs, these sub-normals inadvertently make a good argument for replacing large percentages of the American population—maybe we can trade Mexico all our "Minuteman" goons for a few useful citizens?

Once a suspected serial killer, now just an unstable nabber of lacy dainties, Sung Koo Kim, a.k.a. The Panty Thief, had his final day in court last week. Kim, previously the chief suspect in the disappearance of 19-year-old Brooke Wilberger, was convicted on two counts of burglary in Benton County Court. His two-year sentence will run concurrently with about 11 years he's racked up for pillaging women's underwear from dryers in other Oregon counties.

Spare us the jokes about crocodile tears. Fans of Steve Irwin's TV show, The Crocodile Hunter, including his wife, Oregon native Terri, are understandably despondent over the popular conservationist's shocking death Monday.