Regift Of The Magi

[December 27th, 2006] You know you didn't love everything that was sitting under the Christmas tree or Hanukkah bush this year. In fact, we're willing to bet that a few presents unleashed a deep rage within the bowels of your pain-ridden soul. After all, do your nearest and dearest really not understand your tastes at all? After the tears and confrontations with the offending gift-giver subside, what's a person to do with the deplorable present? (Because, as we know, these gifts never have a gift receipt inside.) We have a few suggestions about how to responsibly and tastefully recycle your own personal Christmas crap and maybe even help others in the process...not that that's your goal.

FOR THE FASHION-CONSCIOUS JAP

What she got: Heinous holiday-themed sweater from Talbot's featuring snowmen, snowflakes or trees.

What to do: Although it's become a joke in some circles, the giving of holiday-themed sweaters during the season of sharing still exists. Grandparents, secret Santas and well-meaning aunts haven't quite opened the memo. For the Jewish-American princess who got the gift from her clueless gentile mother-in-law, put your claws away, bust out the knitting needles and...just unravel it. It's called a "reusable sweater project," and people do it all the time. "We've got a class called 'Now What?,' and it's really broad," says Hillary Holiday of local yarn mecca Lint (1700 NW Marshall St., 226-8500). "Bring in anything you want and we'll help you." Lint has all the patterns and fixin's to make a new sweater, a pillowcase or even a purse. Of course, if you're the lazy type, you can always donate the sweater to someone less fashionable—or pay someone to re-knit it for you.

FOR THE EASYGOING BUDDHIST

What he got: A gift subscription to Maxim magazine.

What to do: Buddhist or not, we're all human beings with excitable genitalia. Even if the receiving Buddhist was once the frat house's porn-king pothead, these days he may not want the temptation of even a quick gawk at Maria Menounos' barely covered boobies. You see, Buddhists like to be pure and avoid the battle of the boner at all costs. Your nirvana-seeking friend doesn't want to pick through the lad mag after a morning of meditation. The answer? ReMix : As of April of 2006, Tom Potter and the National Recycling Coalition have been pushing the idea of recycling magazines through the "Recycling Magazines Is Excellent" campaign, or ReMix. No, the colored ink is not hazardous to the environment. Mr. Buddhist can put the Maxims in the yellow bin with The Oregonian; he just needs to remove the plastic first.

FOR THE HARDCORE VEGAN

What he got: Harry and David's Timesaving Holiday Feast with sliced turkey breast.

What to do: Oops, she did it again: Grandma, worried about your cooking skills on the holiest of all holidays, sent over a Harry and David gift basket with a fresh turkey breast, a summer sausage and other assorted used-to-be-alive foodstuffs. Before putting on the hazmat suit and tossing the bird out with the leftover tofu, think about the homeless teens and hungry bums walking the streets. Don't they deserve a little protein? Of course they do. Bring your loot to the Oregon Food Bank (7900 NE 33rd Ave., 282-0555. 8:30 am-noon and 1-4:30 pm Monday-Friday), where they're in dire need of anything that will boost the amino acids in the system. Another resource is Metro's Fork It Over! food-donation program; go to metro-region.org for a food rescue agency close to you.

FOR THE TECHNO-CLUELESS MOM

What she got: Microsoft Zune.

What to do: Come on, whose idea was it to give Mom Microsoft's version of the iPod when we all know she has a nervous breakdown over sending a simple email? Yes, there are still moms out there who consider learning the art of cutting-and-pasting a task of Sisyphean proportions. Don't try going to CNET.com for an informational demo—the company still has an online video of James Kim fiddling with the Zune. Save yourself the pain: Pry the Zune from her hands before she tries to dial her sister on it and bring it on over to Free Geek (1731 SE 10th Ave., 232-9350, freegeek.org). Free Geek is mostly for recycling and refurbishing computers and computer equipment, but it also operates a thrift store for those systems unable to be of use. Tip off your friends that the Zune is there—they'll thank you for the score. Either that, or give it to some 10-year-old whippersnapper who's already started a venture-backed Web-building business, is a master at the Nintendo Wii and types 1,000 words a minute. He'll be able to use the dang thing.

FOR THE BRATTIEST KID IN THE WORLD

What he got: The WRONG KIND of skateboard from Wal-Mart.

What to do: God help the innocent givers who dare present their son, a wannabe professional skater, with a Mongoose build-a-board from Wal-Mart instead of the desired Dogtown Rat Ring. You can kiss the idea of a relaxing morning on Christ's holy birthday goodbye. Before he gets his hand on an ax or sets the tree on fire, sit him down and talk to him about Jake Ryder (jrydevisuals.com). Ryder, a former skater and artist in Seattle, makes furniture out of old skateboards and snowboards, and depends on donated material. We're willing to bet that the little brat thinks that's somewhat cool. And since your son is past the point of learning about manners, you may as well teach him a bit about recycling and modern art.

FOR THE ANAL-RETENTIVE VIRGO

What she got: Expensive designer puppy.

What to do: It doesn't get much better than a puppy on Christmas morning. Especially when it's a $2,000 designer puggle, Labradoodle or Shih-poo for your most uptight-yet-fashionable friend. Here's the rub: Despite their inherent cuteness, especially in little faux Santa suits, puppies are evil little shit factories. They love to poop on high-thread-count sheets. They have pointy little pin-needle teeth that have no mercy for Manolo Blahniks or Jimmy Choos, and, bless their little hearts, they get so excited when they see their owner that they tinkle a little. OK, a lot. All over the place. So, for us Virgos who can't stand a mess, it's time to take a trip to the loving farm we call the admissions department of the Oregon Humane Society (1067 NE Columbia Blvd. 285-7722, ext. 211). An appointment is required, so be sure to call ahead.

FOR THE ENVIROMENTAL CRUSADER

What she got: Flowtron Electronic Insect Killer.

What to do: The cool thing about bug zappers is that they operate with a blacklight. It's entirely possible to remove the zapping portion of the box and use it for the occasional disco dance. Or, suggests Mace Vaughan, conservation director of the Xerces Society (the Portland nonprofit dedicated to "invertebrate conservation"), convert the zapper—or any other useless boxy gift—into a more harmless bird feeder. "The thing about bug zappers is that they don't really kill annoying pests like mosquitoes," says Vaughan. "[They] only [kill] the insects that play an important role in the biological ecosystem." Who knew? And for those do-gooders who want to put some cash into the proverbial karma bank, one could always donate a few bones to the Xerces Society (4828 SE Hawthorne Blvd, 232-6639) itself—and then pick up a can of Off!

FOR THE SENSITIVE NOSED What she got: Headache-inducing candle.

What to do: One woman's idea of what is pleasing to the olfactory senses may give the next woman a migraine. Whoever created Illuminations and Yankee Candle—those evil factories pushing the "smell-it-a-mile-away" burning balls of wax—deserves to be beaten with one of their massive three-wick creations. If Cousin Amy's gift of high-powered ylang-ylang candles is overpowering the sweet scent of your holiday shrub's Doug fir needles, put it outside. Quickly. If need be, bury it. Then, wait until spring's first bridal shower, wrap the sucker up and give it to the bride. Yep. We have no newfangled recycling ploy for this one. Good old-fashioned regifting—the stinky candle is the perfect candidate.