Sham-Rocked

[March 14th, 2007]

Never mind yer green PBR, ya daft pansy. It's St. Paddy's Day, the day where we all celebrate the patron saint of gettin' so loaded yer own mum looks fit fer a roll in the hay.

When you're celebratin' drinkin', ya need somethin' more than the weak 4.9-percent ABV (that's alcohol by volume) of Pabst. Hell, even our precious Guinness only packs 4.3 percent (hard to believe, isn't it?).

'Tis no secret that Portland boasts more breweries per capita than even the Emerald Isle. When there's that much brewin' a-stewin', we're bound to find somethin' a bit stronger. Northwest brewers have a knack for makin' 'em strong.

"When you have a larger percentage, the flavors come through a lot more," says Vasili Gletsos, head brewer of North Portland's BJ's Brewery. Gletsos brews a few strong buggers, including a Whiskey Barrel Stout at 9 percent. "When they mature, they're more contemplative. They're sipping beers, and they linger on your tongue longer," he muses.

Any Irishman worth his weight in barley can take a punch, but some local brews tend to pack a wallop like Jack Dempsey after a night of hittin' the sauce.

With binge drinkin' and stumblin' in mind, WW set out on a quest to find the strongest beers (no barley wines) around—somethin' that'll make yer knickers drop. And we've included a list of St. Paddy's Day parties (Saturday, March 17, see page 36) just in case you'd be wanting to celebrate with yer own drinkin' buddies.

Laurelwood Strong Rye Ale

ABV: 8 percent, the equivalent 1.86 pints of Guinness.

Color: A shiny, transparent bronze, with a hint of red.

Taste: Classic elements of reds and rye—fairly bitter and hoppy, with a strong tang on the palate. Aggressive but pleasant.

Drinkability: Aye, anything with hair as red and bronze and as sweet as Molly Malone has its place in our collective hearts. It's got a nice little bite, which makes it perfect for continued sipping.

Available at Laurelwood Public House and Brewery, 1728 NE 40th Ave., 282-0622, $4.25/pint.

Deschutes Hop Henge IPA

ABV: 8.1 percent, or 1.88 pints of Guinness.

Color: As gold as the pot at the end of the rainbow.

Taste: Incredibly dry, with a hops explosion that whacks you in the back of the throat.

Drinkability: If IPAs are your fancy, you really can't go wrong. A traditional IPA done right.

Available at Horse Brass Pub, 4534 SE Belmont St., 232-2202, $4.75/pint; and Belmont Station, 4500 SE Stark St., 232-8538 $4.49/22-ounce bottle.

BJ's Whiskey Barrel Stout

ABV: 9 percent, or 2.09 pints of Guinness.

Color: Dark and opaque.

Taste: Malty sweetness, with a

whiskey-charcoal aftertaste.

Drinkability: A delicious blight on the land (not like that bastard that infected our pertaters). The longer BJ's Whiskey Stout stays in the barrel, the higher the ABV climbs! In its present state, it'll knock you on yer arse with its subtle sweetness. With time (and with each sip) it grows more delicious.

Available at BJ's Brewery, 12105 N Center Ave., 289-5566. $5.75/pint.

Oregon Trail Bourbon Porter

ABV: 9.1 percent, or 2.12 pints of Guinness.

Color: Oaky.

Taste: Nutty, with a bit of bourbon in the aftertaste.

Drinkability: Tis the white man's burden in a glass. Beer? Check. The sting of whiskey? Check. It goes down so easy you'll find yerself knee-deep in the marsh with nary a thought of consequence, fightin' and fuckin' anyone and anything in yer path.

Available at Belmont Station, $7.49/22-ounce bottle.

Hair of the Dog's Adam (Hearty Old World Ale)

ABV: 10 percent, or 2.33 pints of Guinness.

Color: Dark as night, with a thick froth resembling latte foam.

Taste: Tangy, with smoke and chocolate on the nose.

Drinkability: Deep, dark and thick. A great appetizer beer, or a chaser for some fine shepherd's pie, but too hearty to drink en masse.

Available at Belmont Station, $3.79/12-ounce bottle.

[listbody]

[/listbody]Hair of the Dog's Fred

ABV: 10 percent, again, 2.33 pints of Guinness.

Color: A cloudy amber, loaded with chunks of sediment (and globs of yeast).

Taste: A strong bite, slightly sweet. Surprisingly smooth, with a hint of maple. Light but with a heavy flavor.

Drinkability: Frightening. Could bring Mickey Rourke to his knees. The unique flavor—arguably downright weird—could be off-putting to the casual drinker, but the beer lover will likely quaff several without considering the after-effects.

Available at Horse Brass Pub, $4.75/pint; and Belmont Station, $3.79/12-ounce bottle.

Rogue Imperial Stout

ABV: 11 percent, or 2.57 pints of Guinness.

Color: Solid black, like the oppressive heart of King Henry II.

Taste: A nice, smooth stout with a hint of chocolate at the finish and a considerable punch.

Drinkability: Begorrah! Imperial Stout is incredibly easy to drink, and packs a helluva wallop. At a shenanigan-inducing 11 percent, Imperial Stout's spell is cast after just one pint, and the effects are debilitating.

Available at Rogue Ales Public House, 1339 NW Flanders St., 222-5910, $4.50/pint; and Belmont Station, $12.99/1-liter bottle.

Roots Epic Ale

ABV: 13.5 percent! The equivalent of 3.12 glasses of Guinness—it's so strong, Roots won't sell it in pints.

Color: Dark copper and red.

Taste: Surprisingly sweet and sugary.

Drinkability: Holy shite. Epic Ale is so incredibly tasty it's hard to imagine you're drinking something that's nearly 14 percent alcohol. One glass is a kick in the shalalee. But it goes down so incredibly easy you just can't stop. I just drank two, and I'm ready to fight every bastard in the room.

Available at Roots Organic Brewing, 1520 SE 7th Ave., 235-7668. $5/pint.

St Patrick's Day Events

[event]The All-Ireland Cultural Society of Oregon

[listbody][/event]The AICS is putting on the official St. Patrick's Day bash, complete with face-painting and a soda-bread contest. The event is handicapped-accessible, which will be much more important at the end of the day. If you're sober: Drunken face-painting could be awesome! Rosary Hall, 376 NE Clackamas St., 286-4812. 1-9 pm Saturday, March 17. $10 (21+), $5 (ages 12-20), kids 11 and under free.

[/listbody][event]Kells' Irish Festival

[listbody][/event]Portland's biggest three days of traditional food, music, dance and, most importantly, drinking. Think of any St. Paddy's Day stereotype—from tents of bawdy frat boys to rivers of vomit—and multiply it by 1,000. If you're sober: Watch as the transformation from Riverdance to river pants takes place before your eyes. Kells' Irish Pub, 112 SW 2nd Ave., 227-4057. 5:30-11:30 pm Friday, 11:30 am-11:30 pm Saturday, 11:30 am-6 pm Sunday. March 16-18. $10 Friday, $20 Saturday, free Sunday.

[/listbody][event]Midnight Serenaders

[listbody][/event]Keep it classy with vintage jazz at McMenamins Kennedy School. The ukuleles will be strummin' and the clarinets will be blastin'. If you're sober: This could suck. McMenamins Kennedy School, 5736 NE 33rd Ave., 249-3983. 6-7:30 pm Saturday, March 17. Free.

[/listbody][event]Mississippi Ballroom

[listbody][/event]From Livable Place, a local sustainable-living organization, comes the St. Patrick's Day party where green stands for ecologically friendly. The event features Irish games, music, dancing and, yeah, drinking. Local nonprofit nurseries will be offering free plants, perfect for puking into. If you're sober: Have fun watching drunks try to pronounce "sustainable agriculture." Mississippi Ballroom, 833 N Shaver St., 720-4295. 6-10 pm Saturday, March 17. $10, $12 at the door, free 12 and under.

[/listbody][event]North 45

[listbody][/event]This hipster bar is putting the fun back into fundraiser as they celebrate St. Patrick's Day while raising money for GLOBIO, an international children's-education nonprofit. If you're sober: You'll be able to remember that you contributed to a good cause. North 45, 517 NW 21st Ave., 248-6317. Noon-midnight Saturday, March 17. $5.

[/listbody][event]Sons of Norway Grieg Lodge

[listbody][/event]If you have Viking blood—or if you simply like the sound of a game called Irish road bowling—this is the place for you. If you're sober: They're drunk, they have iron tennis balls and they're in the middle of the street. 111 NE 11th Ave., 236-3401. 1 pm-midnight Saturday, March 17. $17, $13 for kids 12 and under.

[/listbody][event]Winemaker's Dinner

[listbody][/event]For a slightly less rambunctious evening, head toward the coast and take part in Eola Hills' Winemaker's St. Patrick's Day dinner. If you're sober: You're an idiot. This is a wine tasting dinner. Eola Hills Wine Cellars, 501 S Pacific Highway 99 W, Rickreall, Ore., 800-291-6730. 7 pm Friday, March 16. $59.