Last Kiss

[October 3rd, 2007]

[DRAG] SISSYBOY BREAKS UP Over the course of the past three years, the members of Sissyboy, Portland’s most infamous punk-drag troupe, have become local legends for their monthly shows at Holocene, in which gender-fucked gents like Splendora, Fannie Mae Darling and Linah Cocaine riff on everything from the Bush family to abortion. But come Saturday, these boys who dress up as girls are calling it quits. After years of performing and touring, they feel it has gone as far as it will go and are now parting ways to pursue their own artistic endeavors. Co-founder Mark “Zebra” Thomas, 30, is now the administrative coordinator of Pride Northwest (they’re the folks who put on Pride each year). When asked if there would be any nastiness in the show, he replied, “No...we will be ending on a good note.” He was also kind enough to supply us with some tricks to become your very own sissy.

?What are some basic rules when applying makeup?

Applying makeup is just like applying for Oregon Trail [food stamps]. It takes all day, and let’s face it: There’s never enough to go around!

What kind of lipstick do you use?

My favorite colors are asphyxiation blue for my eyes and JonBénet Ramsey pink for my lips. I’m on a bit of a budget, so I usually go for the Wet ’n’ Wild lipstick with a nice Bonne Bell gloss finish.

What about wigs?

I find most my wigs at the Bins (a.k.a. the Goodwill Outlet, 1740 SE Ochoco St., Milwaukie, 230-2076). Every seasoned drag queen and trailer tranny knows that the sweet Korean lady at Wigland on Broadway (1011 NE Broadway St., 282-1664) has the best wigs and lashes. She’s a very powerful woman in this town...screw Sam Adams, I think she should run for mayor.

How long does it usually take to put yourself together?

Not long—after a couple shots of Cuervo and a few backhand springs, I’m good to go.

Do you have a ritual when it comes to putting your face on?

Actually, I’m very superstitious. Just before I go to put my face on, I always stab a tranny in the back.

What colors work best when you want that sexy, crazy, glamorous, sad-victim look?

Nothing says sexy, crazy, glamorous, sad victim like orange culottes.

When it comes time to take the makeup off, what do you use?

Why on earth would anyone want to take makeup off? [But] after a typical Sissyboy show, I can be out of costume and at Steam [Portland] before you can say “Voodoo Doughnut.”

What are some simple dos and don’ts you’ve learned through the years?

Don’t forget to read the labels; I learned DDT, Mace and rat poison are not beauty products...nor will they get you high. Don’t make tongue-in-cheek parodies about Matthew Shepard. Don’t go mud wrestling in a kiddie pool with 12 dirty drag queens if one of them has staph. Everything else you can do...but don’t get caught.

If you’re a man (or woman) and you’ve never worn a dress, where would you suggest shopping?

Whatever happened to the Bon Marché?

What is the best tip any drag queen has taught you?

Never ever forget to tuck your junk...oh wait, that wasn’t a drag queen, that was Janet Reno.

Worst-case scenario: Your heel breaks right before you go onstage—what do you do?

Have you ever even been to a Sissyboy show? We’re punk rock, not Darcelle. Heels are the least of our worries...let me give you a scenario: The show was supposed to go on at 11:30 pm. It is now midnight, the full house is becoming violent and Fannie Mae Darling is MIA. Someone thought it was a good idea to use your wig as an ashtray, and your costume to wipe up a beer spill. This is the point when you realize you have no script, no direction, and suddenly you just wish you went to college like your safe brother did.

Will the Sissyboys sell their clothing, wigs or other paraphernalia?

Why, do you want one of my dresses? Back off, bitch! We will be auctioning off the infamous beer bottle Splendora peed in.