August 27th, 2008
“Son of a bitch, you’re running up the meter!”27 comments
August 20th, 2008
"Hey bro, remember me? You wrote that story about me in the paper."3 comments
August 13th, 2008
“It’s the Californians, man, the Californians are the worst.”15 comments
August 6th, 2008
The middle-aged man I picked up at Vendetta is in a hyperactively verbose lather ...0 comments
July 23rd, 2008
When I step into the obese old woman's apartment5 comments
July 16th, 2008
The obese old woman at Fred Meyer has a bad hip and a wheelchair...8 comments
July 9th, 2008
“...I need to take a shower first and wash all of this blood off.”6 comments
July 2nd, 2008
“So I’ve got these two women in the back of my cab who just refuse to get out...”8 comments
June 25th, 2008
“My friend’s getting divorced, and he’s really drunk,” says the bartender...8 comments
June 18th, 2008
There’s nothing like a good Friday night, and I’m referring to the money.3 comments
[October 24th, 2007]
The weather is dank and miserable as I pull up to one of Lombard’s many dive bars. It’s around 3 in the morning, and there’s a middle-aged man sitting with his legs splayed in the doorway. He’s surrounded by plastic bags filled with detritus.
“Hey, man, you call a cab?” I shout through the lowered window.
“Yes, can you please help me up?”
I begrudgingly get out to do so. As I reach down to offer him my hand, I notice that his paper hospital pants have a huge tear in the crotch and ass. I can see both his scrotum and his colostomy bag.
“This ain’t happening.” I turn to get back in the car.
“You’re refusing me service? That’s violating the Americans with Disabilities Act!”
“You’re violating the Americans with Pants Act!”
“I’m wearing pants!” he pleads.
“According to Prince’s definition, you probably are. But I’m of the opinion that if I can see your nutsack, they ain’t pants.”
“Please!”
“I can’t have that shit on my backseat, man. I’ve got other customers. If you want, you can call a friend of yours on my cell phone, and they can come pick you up.”
“I don’t have any friends! Please, I want to go home!” He’s on the verge of tears.
“It’s not gonna happen.” I get back in the car.
“I don’t think there even is an Americans with Pants Act!”
“Good luck, I’ve got to go.” I drive off, leaving him in the cold and wet.
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RECENT COMMENTS ON ““I’m wearing pants!””
I have to agree with both sides on this... Yes leaving a guy in hospital pants with his nuts and ass hanging out.. not cool he was obviously sick.. But it was 3 am and he was infront of a bar.. so he ...
I would not have done that to my dad-
you are a bad person mate.
torn hospital pants and outside of a bar - he sounds too far gone to me.
Confusious say "Pants like cheap hotel no ballroom."
