Pride Up

[June 11th, 2008]

Just Out columnist (and ex-WW contributor) Stephen Marc Beaudoin recently wrote how we should avoid this Sunday’s Pride parade because it’s nothing more than a chance for corporations to jack off on themselves. He even suggests nonprofit Pride presenters, like our own Pride Northwest, ought to be audited by the Internal Revenue Service due to the fact that the organizations are rolling in surplus funds from a corral’s worth of corporate cash cows. I beg to differ.

There are plenty of reasons to skip Pride parades—homophobes, Father’s Day, don’t have the right shoes—but just because coffee shop, bank and brewery employees want to show their pride doesn’t mean we should deny them that. And that got me thinking: What other groups have stayed on the sidewalk far too long? And how could we coax them out of the closet to join the 115-entry parade? Here’s a list of those who need to get their gay on:

Dykes on Trikes: Dykes on Bikes are always the leaders of the pack, but this theoretical tricked-out tricycling troupe could be for those moto-crossed lezzies who don’t need a damn Fat Boy, Suzuki or Schwinn to show their pride. Besides, who doesn’t love a shirtless chick with her knees shoved up around her boobies?

Gays Against Acronyms: Step away from the label-maker—join the GAA. These homosexuals don’t care what you call them so long as their existence isn’t reduced to a cringe-worthy slogan.

Heterophobes: Why should pride be all about hugs? Let’s give the hetero-hatemongers among us a chance to let our freak flags fly and show God-abiding Christians how truly ridiculous they look.

Straight Florists/Dancers/Hairdressers: Just because you have a gay job doesn’t mean you’re wriggling around on all fours waiting for the next man to hump. FTD guys, you deserve a chance to show off your gold lamé short shorts without hearing snorts from your girlfriends. At Pride, we’ll really watch your ass.

Gay Couples Who Don’t EVER Want to Get Married: Not all queers want to hitch up and “destroy the sanctity of marriage,” no matter what Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly would have you believe. Some actually just want to live together, just like straight people. Talk about revolutionary!

Daddy Mama: This is a float for one. Rock out with your (insert appropriate appendage here) out, Thomas Beatie, the first “legal” man to get knocked up.

Drag Queens/Kings Without Imperial Titles: Is every dragster in town worthy of a sash from Portland’s queer court? Isn’t there one gender-bender in town who doesn’t need a title to be just as kickass as the rest? And, if not, when can the rest of us get an “XV” after our name?

Closeted Congressmen: Now that we have a gay mayor, it’s time the rest of the elected showed their true colors.

Premature Ejaculators: See above.