Beers of Summer| Eight good draughts for a sudsy, sunny afternoon and one better left in the cooler.
ISSUE #34.33 • SPECIAL SECTION •
Grown Men Shouldn’t Say “Arrr!”
An off-season kvetch: everybody punch a pirate.
 IMAGE: Kim Scafuro |
BY ETHAN SMITH | 503-243-2122
[June 25th, 2008]
You love pirates? Screw you.
On June 3, the United Nations voted to allow foreign navies to pursue pirates off the Somali coastline, where 26 ships have been attacked in the past year. Since the mid-’90s, piracy has spiked around the world, centered mostly in the waters off Indonesia, western Africa, the Persian Gulf and, yes, even the Caribbean. Today’s pirates wield automatic weapons and rocket-propelled grenade launchers, and they’re as interested in kidnapping and ransom as looting cargoes.
Freighters, cruise ships, pleasure yachts, even U.N. aid ships—all have been targeted. In 2001, two-time America’s Cup champion Sir Peter Blake was shot dead defending his boat from pirates off the coast of Brazil. According to the International Maritime Bureau, attacks peaked at 445 in 2003—the same year Disney released the first of its Pirates of the Caribbean films. In 2007, the world averaged more than five pirate attacks each week. Like terrorism, global warming and the Sex and the City movie, pirates are a serious and growing threat to the world—and to Portland.
In mainland America, pirates threaten good taste more than maritime safety. For more than a decade, pirates have keelhauled American popular culture. Many experts peg the genesis of our pirate problem to Sept. 19, 1995—the year Talk Like a Pirate Day was invented by Albany residents Mark Summers and John Bauer. By 2002, syndicated humor columnist Dave Barry was promoting the pseudo-holiday. From there, excruciating “arrr!” and “booty” puns proliferated like wet panties at an Obama rally.
Portland now suffers the sickeningly well-attended Portland Pirate Festival (in its third year), and Plunderathon, a drunken, pirate-themed mob spectacle (also on year three) that careens through downtown every June 14. Online costumer Dresslikeapirate.com is based here. Pirate-inspired shanty bands, like Captain Bogg & Salty, play to crowds of nerdy misogynists. The basement of the downtown’s Hilton conceals Glowing Greens, a blacklit, pirate-themed mini-golf course (3-D glasses available). Sandy Boulevard hosts the Pirate’s Cove strip club, which is saved by two virtues unrelated to pirates: a jug-shaped building and titties. Pirates’ latest threat to Portland is Captain Henry’s Pirate Store, which opened in Lloyd Center on March 29.
Through its faux-rock cave mouth, Captain Henry’s Pirate Store leers out at the closest thing in the mall to an ocean—the ice rink. The stock puts a nautical twist on Renaissance fair trappings. Besides the cliché-pirate paraphernalia—floppy hats, flags, hooks, eye patches—the store sells bedding, baby clothes, skull-and-crossbones toilet paper, replica cutlasses and muskets, keychains made from poisonous insects preserved in glass…the list of infuriating knickknacks goes on. Employees, decked in full pirate garb, greet customers with, “Welcome matey. How can I help ye?” So far no assaults have resulted, but it’s just a matter of time. In back is the Pirate Hideout party room, which runs $195 for two hours, cake and punch included.
In the midst of a recession, this pirate store is thriving. According to Captain Henry’s employees, the store can’t keep merchandise on the shelves. “We keep running out of T-shirts,” said one clerk. “We had to start ordering stuff by the case.” This means pirate geeks are multiplying.
Like Trekkies and World of Warcraft addicts, this virulent new breed of nerd are mostly males in their 20s and 30s frozen in awkward adolescence: fuzzy upper lips, bad haircuts, Bugle Boy cargo pants (somehow found in a 38 waist). You’ll know them from IT guys and Paul Allen by their “Surrender the Booty” T-shirts and hoop earrings—and of course their enraging lingo. Listen for words like “swashbuckler,” “doubloon,” “Jolly Roger,” “ahoy,” “grog” and “bilge.” Or just wait for the inevitable “Arrr!”
Once you spot a pirate geek, there’s only one reasonable course of action: Kick out his legs, kneel on his chest, and slap him around until he denounces Jack Sparrow. It’s for his own good.
(Captain Henry’s Pirate Store, 2201 Lloyd Center #951, 206-5051, captainhenryspiratestore.com.)
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So how's that virginity coming?
Oh the period police, we love them so. If he doesn't attend pirate festivals or shop in a mall, then how can he be mad, as the article isn't about him. Personally, I'm laughing....all the way to the bank. There are SCAdians, there are 18th century living history re-enactors, and then there's me, Adam Ant Pirate. Can you tell the difference? Good! Go back to your high horse and let the rest of us drink rum, dress up in puffy shirt and swords, and have the time of our lives being the heros of our children.
I would LOVE to see you try to punch, kick or slap me around, Ethan, you F%(*&@ing P*$sy! I can guarantee 2 things... the other douchebag editors won't print this comment because you hide behind your keyboards, and you don't have the balls to back up your solicitations of violence.
Respond! I dare you! I'll give you an address where you can meet me and you can try to back up those statements, you little BITCH!
I'm a pyrate 24/7. . . .www.pyratesway.com and you can learn about pyracy in all its forms from history to movies and wenches to which type of blood makes the best wood stain. You can also learn that if it wasn't for the privateers of the American War for Independence and of the British War of 1812, we'd all be speaking Welsh right now. Mr. Smith needs to pick up a book, take his blinders off, and read. . . or pick up the latest copy of THE PYRATES WAY magazine!
Ah mate, ye haven't lived until you're comfortable enough with yourself to cast off mainstream culture in favor of a more romantic and adventurous era. A time when you could choose your own destiny, cast off the shackles of mundane lives, and set sail on a democratic ship in search of coin and adventure. Truly, murderous piracy is nothing to laugh about. However we American pirate performers find it more enjoyable and profitable to grant the public service of entertainment in exchange for coin. It's certainly less messy.
There's nothing like traveling around the country making a living on costuming and quick witted debauchery to make you feel like you've won at life.
I've read this article twice now, and as far as I can see, your message is basically "Anything different is bad, and should go away". Great message, Adolf.
In your article, you made correlations between modern pirates and pirate reenactors, as if the reenactors are some how supporting or in favor of what the modern pirates are doing. Do you draw similar conclusions from Civil War reenactors? Are the reenactors reveling in their love of the horrors war and atrocities of slavery? Or are they history buffs, making sure one of the most important parts of our shared national history is never forgotten?
Everyone has their own weird fetish. Some people are into Star Trek, some people dress like pirates, others play fantasy baseball. Yet somehow the last one is considered "normal". But I ask you, how is fantasty baseball really that different than the pirate thing? You're pretending to be a baseball team manager (you're not), you pretending that you are assembling the greatest group of ball players in the world (you're not), and you're pretending to play them against other teams (guess what, you're not). That seems pretty weird to me, but for some reason it's prefectly acceptable. Why then is it so strange to put on a hat, say "Arrr" and have fun with your friends once in a while? It's not like we walk around all the time in pirate gear or make people call us "Captain Killjoy" or something.
I find it really sad that you seem to have such a huge problem with people having harmless fun with other people who share their interests. No one is getting hurt, but you take issue with it because it's not something you want to do. Why does that mean no one else should do it either? No one is making you go to these faires or parties or stores, so just close your eyes and pretend we don't exist.
I'm not going to make any comeback threats like "Yeah, just try to hold me down!", because the chances of us ever meeting are pretty slim, so any such threat would be pointless and empty. But I do ask that you try to lighten up a bit. Go out and have some fun. Forget about what others think for a while and do what makes you happy. You'll be amazed how much freer and happier you feel.
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The last time I checked, we were free to speak the way we choose, dress the way we choose, and act the way we choose...as long as those actions dont infringe upon the rights of others. Happy Fourth Of July, mate. ;-)
Skip Grant AKA The JollySkipper
OK--so I don't even live in Portland--I'm from Reno and I got the link about your article from "Dress Like A Pirate", mentioned in the article, who happens to be my friend on myspace, and I'm shocked to hear that people really don't like pirates or the pirate culture---or is it just you? Did someone pretend to make you walk the plank when you were two? Or did your cousin's eyepatch scare you so much that you didn't want any part of the pirate culture? Do you kids like Jack Sparrow more than you? Growing up is overrated, and I think that anything that makes you forget that life sucks right now is a great idea...so there!! Huzzah! Long life the pirate!!!
Scarlett Morgan writes on Jun 26th, 2008 6:45pm
Wait! You forgot to bitch about the women of the high seas. You are obviously against men playing pirate. How do you feel about women pirates? Or is that okay because we have "titties"?
shayna vest writes on Jun 26th, 2008 6:58pm
Doesn't anybody get that the article by Ethan is tongue in cheek, and the response from Max Power is the real joke here?
dresslikeapiate.com at your service Ethan. Least I can do, eh?
Rick Fernandez writes on Jun 27th, 2008 12:01am
Yarrr! I'm the manager and co-owner of Captain Henry's Pirate Store. Thanks for the great story! We know it's all in good fun. The one comment I hear over and over again from the many guests who visit our store is that it's the best store in the mall, like no other. Why? Because it's a blast just to come in, explore and enjoy a romantic, playful escape into the days of pirate adventure. We're one of those unique places where people come in and leave happy and smiling, whether they buy or just browse.
Pirates may not be for everyone, but if they appeal to you, then come on down! Everyone is welcome and we're definitely completely different from the ordinary mall store experience.
(And, I'd hardly say "overpriced" describes us. We have something for every price range. In fact, a regular comment we hear is that compared to the Disney Pirates store, we offer more variety and much better prices.)
Jack A$$ writes on Jun 27th, 2008 7:39am
there are a lot of confused people in this town.
Zeno writes on Jun 27th, 2008 9:30pm
Fail article is fail. Bawwwwww, people have an interest
I say, punch a bitchy journalist.
Robert Cockroach Blair writes on Jun 30th, 2008 7:20pm
I be right grateful fur remindin' the good folks 'bout the sins of current pirates 'round Somalia and such. By the by, it be John "Ol' Chumbucket" Baur...no "e" in Baur. Give the lad some credit...aint seen John Barry spoutin' glory to any of your work, lad...but, I aint in it fur the compliments...nay....just point me to the greatest treasure of all....the return to the innocence within...that place where fun and joy be shared (both with fellow brothers of the blade and with "normal" folk we are asked to entertain and play with in the entire Northwest and West Coast (for that matter). As fur meself, I be of the Yaquina Bay Buccaneers as well as in the floatilla of B.O.O.M. (and if ya don't know of BOOM, stick to playin' with them Barbie dolls you seem to enjoy so much) Yarrrrrrr
Too bad, laddybuck, you might have made a good powder monkey.....well, we still have room fur ya in the bilge....
Snoggers!!
ps....Capt Henry's and Dress Like A Pirate both be enterprises that support rags like what you be writtin' fur.....best you consider that before you go spewin' your ugliness beyond your own slops.
Coffee Pirate writes on Jun 30th, 2008 10:37pm
Pirate is steampunk for Luddites. Also, goth for people who actually eat more than once a week.
Nellie writes on Jul 1st, 2008 9:22am
Mr. Smith,
I'm going to guess you've never been to a Captain Bogg & Salty Show, nor heard their albums since they aren't "shanty". I invite you to come to the Central Library Show this summer and tell my 6 year old niece, her friends, their parents, and the other families there, that they are nerdy mysogynists. And then maybe you can punch a toddler wearing a skull shirt.
You are completely wrong about the band and any research would have proven that.
Blapticus writes on Jul 1st, 2008 10:23pm
A period Nazi Max is not. Actually members of his house do attend the pirate festivals and such, He is rightly annoyed. And probably on the same page as hourse High horse ass.
In love, A pirate
BOOMPirateWench writes on Jul 5th, 2008 3:12pm
It's really sad that you have to go around beating people down just because they may like something that you dont. Maybe you're just insecure.
Gypsy Rose writes on Jul 6th, 2008 5:04pm
I dare you to come out with us, especially during Plunderathon, and NOT have the best time of your life not to mention partying with 200 of the finest scalawags ever!
Sir, I do believe you owe the pirate community an apology when you pull your head out.
Ivana Tinkle writes on Jul 10th, 2008 2:49pm
I just read some comments from earlier published articles with WW. You have a talent of pissing off people.
You are truly an angry,unhappy person and need therapy. Either that or have some FUN- like the pirates do.
Orion writes on Jul 29th, 2008 5:04pm
Hey guys, is Dalek a robot?
AR writes on Aug 6th, 2008 12:49pm
Approaching Hobbesian nightmare as Godwin's Law takes full effect....blarghble!
Comment on the "Grown Men Shouldn’t Say “Arrr!”" article
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Who are you to attack our fun? Just because we decide to dress up and act out an important part of the new world's history does not make us "nerdy misogynists". I am a member of the SCA an international organization dedicated to researching and re-creating the arts and skills of pre-17th-century Europe. Our "Known World" consists of 19 kingdoms, with over 30,000 members residing in countries around the world. Members, dressed in clothing of the Middle Ages and Renaissance, attend events which may feature tournaments, arts exhibits, classes, workshops, dancing, feasts, and more. We hold a few pirate events in the NW including The Pirate Gathering May 23-26th 2008 and the up coming Gypsy Days and Sea Dog Nights July 24- 28 at Cheadle Lake Park in Lebanon, Oregon. WE DO NOT ATTEND THE PORTLAND PIRATE FESTIVAL, OR PLAY 3-D PUTT PUTT GOLF, NOR DO WE EVEN VENTURE INTO THE TEENY BOP THROWS OF THE MALL TO SOME OVER PRICED NON CHRONOLOGICALLY ACCURATE SHOP. We do however go out and have some fun acting like a pirate, singing songs of the sea, and drinking mead, grog, barley wine and, other fine to period beverages.