[September 17th, 2008]

This Saturday, hopeful contestants from across the country who “proudly represent the large and looming underbelly of middle America” will compete in Portland’s eighth annual Miss White Trash Pageant. The bounty? A 1972 Dodge Tradesman camper van, a half-rack of Busch, lingerie and, er, meat products. All that swag will be headed the way of whichever Misty, Destiny or Chastity convinces a panel of judges that it is she who embodies all that’s trashtastic. (Whether this year’s MWT will see the return of the “Wiener Cannon” couldn’t, sadly, be confirmed.) And what makes for the ultimate in trashiness? Darned if I know. Thankfully, the English department at the College of New Jersey created a Dictionary of Racial Language to enlighten me:

“White Trash in an informal sense is a pejorative term often used to describe uneducated white Americans with bad personal habits in a typically low socio-economic class. The term is often directed at those who...do not attempt to better themselves through education or hard work....

Other than describing most of my friends, that doesn’t tell me a whole lot. Lucky, we were able to unearth photos of pageant winners, which paint a clearer picture. “What is essential is for a contestant to be the real deal,” pageant creator Rev. Tony Hughes explains. “You can’t fool the judges with a fake Southern drawl or a tube top you just bought last week.” No, no you can’t.

^ Headout Picks

WEDNESDAY SEPT. 17

[MUSIC] BAROQUE BASH
Classical Revolution’s latest posits parallels between Baroque flash and rock glam by including band Sophe Lux. Wear historically informed costumery and get $2 off the cover. Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison St., 239-7639. 9 pm. $6-$8.

FRIDAY SEPT. 19

[music] OKKERVIL RIVER
Okkervil River is back with its most ambitious record yet, with instruments stacking up as high as frontman Will Sheff’s self-indulgent narratives. Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside St., 225-0047. 9 pm. $18. All-ages.

[screen] PLGFF
Gay cinema at its gayest. Opens with Breakfast With Scot, a comedy about raising a queen. Cinema 21, 616 NW 21st Ave. Fest runs Friday-Saturday Sept. 19-27. Visit plgff.org for more info. See preview, page 57.

[STAGE] DOS PUEBLOS
Hand2Mouth Theatre joins with Mexico City’s La Comedia Humana and PDX’s Miracle Theatre Group in a bilingual production about the overlapping cultural histories of the U.S. and Mexico. El Centro Milagro, 525 SE Stark St., 236-7253. 7:30 pm Thursdays, 8 pm Fridays-Saturdays, 2 pm Sundays. Closes Oct. 4. $14-$22.

SATURDAY SEPT. 20

[ARRR] PORTLAND PIRATE FEST
Two days of naval-battle lawn games, parrots, sword-juggling, raping, pillaging, maritime lore, scavenger hunting, grogging, grubbing and sea chanties. Cathedral Park, North Edison Street and Pittsburg Avenue. 10 am-10 pm Saturday, 10 am-6 pm Sunday, Sept. 20-21. $15 (one day); $20 (two-day) at gate. All ages. Call 877-725-8849 for tix. Visit portlandpiratefestival.com for info.

[music] JOSH MARTINEZ
The local fake-mustache-wearing MC may be the most entertaining rapper in town, and tonight he celebrates his new record with costumes, dope rhymes and shenanigans. Berbati’s Pan, 231 SW Ankeny St., 248-4579. 9:30 pm. $8 advance, $10 at door. 21+.

SUNDAY SEPT. 21

[words] CHUCK KLOSTERMAN
The ironic philosopher of fame who ironically became a C-list celeb has channeled his existential, middlebrow, pomo pontifications into a novel, Downtown Owl. Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside St., 228-0540. 7:30 pm. Free. All ages.

MONDAY SEPT. 22

[music] NICK CAVE & THE BAD SEEDS
The full Bad Seeds octet has been assembled once again to back the legendary black king of indie rock. Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside St., 225-0047. 9 pm. All ages.