[September 24th, 2008]
Chuck Palahniuk movies are better than Chuck Palahniuk books. There, we said it. Friday marks the opening of Choke, the first adaptation of Portland’s literary anarchist since Fight Club hit nine years ago. That’s simply too long a hiatus, especially when Chuck’s novels are best read as extended movie treatments: full of squirmy images that call out for a director to shape them into something a little less exhausting. (Clark Gregg manages the trick with Choke; see page 51.) So the WW culture team leafed through our libraries to find the five Palahniuk scenes still begging for cinematic interpretation. We even decided which directors were best suited to the tasks. No need to wait another nine years.

THE BOOK: Diary
HOW THE SCENE READS: A whole town is so entranced by a newly unveiled mural that they don’t care the hotel they are in is burning down around them. “Dead, they were found creeping, crawling, crowding toward the wall in the dining room where the mural burned. Toward the center of the fire.”
HOW IT SHOULD PLAY ONSCREEN: Like the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark, but with artsy metaphysical overtones.
WHO SHOULD DIRECT: Darren Aronofsky (The Fountain).

THE BOOK: Invisible Monsters
HOW THE SCENE READS: Another building on fire, this time with a pre-op transsexual rifle-shot by a post-op transsexual in a literally flaming wedding dress. “Pretty much nobody is getting their emotional needs met.”

HOW IT SHOULD PLAY ONSCREEN:

Deadpan flamboyance, heavy on emotional narcissism.

WHO SHOULD DIRECT: Pedro Almodóvar (Volver).

THE BOOK: Rant
HOW THE SCENE READS: A barbed-wire fence outside the antihero’s hometown is littered with feminine hygiene products. “Flapping at you in the wind, snagged on those pricks of sharp wire, you got panty liners and big strap-on, heavy-day pads.”
HOW IT SHOULD PLAY ONSCREEN: Languid, formally framed, with foreboding gray skies and hints of social commentary.
WHO SHOULD DIRECT: Alan Ball.

THE BOOK: Survivor
HOW THE SCENE READS: A car wreck impales the hero’s brother with a religious figurine. “The tiny plastic feet of the…dashboard statuette are sticking out of the mess of blood where his left eye used to be.”
HOW IT SHOULD PLAY ONSCREEN: With so much gore it becomes funny.

WHO SHOULD DIRECT:

David Cronenberg (The Fly).

THE BOOK: Haunted
HOW THE SCENE READS: The notorious short story “Guts” features a boy getting his innards suctioned out by a pool pump. “Even with my guts unraveling out my ass, me holding onto what’s left, even then my first want is to somehow get my swimsuit back on.”
HOW IT SHOULD PLAY ONSCREEN: On second thought, this is a terrible idea. Forget it.
WHO SHOULD DIRECT: Eli Roth (Hostel). But seriously, this should never happen.

^Headout Picks

FRIDAY SEPT. 26

[MUSIC] THE NEW YEAR

Brothers Matt and Bubba Kadane still tread in minimal, understated waters—only now there’s optimism and guitar solos. Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside St., 231-9663. 9 pm. $12-$13.

[SCREEN] THE DUCHESS Ralph Fiennes rapes Keira Knightley in the 1770s. It is disturbing. Fox Tower, 846 SW Park Ave., 221-3280. $10.50.

[SCREEN] GUYS AND DOLLS

Oh, happy day! Leif Norby makes his Portland Center Stage debut as gambler Benny Southstreet. Gerding Theater, 128 NW 11th Ave., 445-3700. 7:30 pm Tuesdays-Saturdays, 2 pm Sundays; also noon Thursdays, 2 pm Oct. 4, 18, and Nov. 1, and 7:30 pm Sept. 28 and Oct. 12 (7:30 pm only Oct. 19). Closes Nov. 2. $32-$62.50.

[TUMBLING] TEAM USA GYMNASTS

As if you didn’t already feel like an underachiever, the U.S.’s bevy of Beijing medal-winning flip, flop, pommel-horsing chalk lovers have to rub it in. Rose Quarter, 1 Center Court, 235-8771. 7:30 pm. $29.50-$79.50. Call 877-789-7673 or visit comcasttix.com for tickets.

SATURDAY SEPT. 27

[DIY] PORTLAND CRAFT MAFIA

The city’s “Craft Mafia” infiltrates the Secret Society Ballroom. Waaay cute bloodbath to follow. Secret Society Ballroom, 116 NE Russell St. 5-10 pm. $2, ages 12 and under free. Visit portlandoregoncraftmafia.com for info on vendors.

[BURLESQUE] TEASE-O-RAMA

Burlesque troupes and soloists converge on PDX in this lead-up to the enormous three-day San Francisco festival. Bossanova, 722 E Burnside St., teaseorama.com. 8 pm. $20.

SUNDAY SEPT. 28

[SCREEN/MUSIC] SEX PDX

Live bands play in front of vintage pornos Female Chauvinists and Dominatrix Without Mercy. It is probably also disturbing. Clinton Street Theater, 2522 SE Clinton St., 238-8899. Noon-midnight. $6.

MONDAY SEPT. 29

[MUSIC] MISSON OF BURMA

MOB might be the best—and loudest—punk band since the Clash. Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside St., 231-9663. 9 pm. $15.

TUESDAY SEPT. 30

[MUSIC] SILVER JEWS, MONOTONIX

Rarely does an opening band upstage the headliners, but how ’bout when they don’t even play on the stage? Come early for Monotonix’s sonic freakout, stay for the new-country stylings of Silver Jews. Wonder Ballroom, 128 NE Russell St., 284-8686. 9:30 pm. $15.