Every Breath You Take

[November 19th, 2008]

Maybe there’s more to the mural overlooking the dining area at Report (1101 E Burnside St.) than simple hipster irony. The painting in question is a giant, Last Supper depiction of Jesus. But instead of sitting at the table with the likes of John and Judas, he’s there with Tupac and Joey Ramone, the wine has been replaced by an Olde English 40-ouncer, and the J-Man himself has ditched the bread for a set of turntables. Fitting for a club recently risen from the dead (R.I.P., Chesterfield). Jesus keeps an eye on the DJ, who hangs out in an alcove just overhead. Tonight he’s spinning a medley of tunes from the ’80s and ’90s without many recognizable hits. Nobody is really dancing, but the crowd is kind of sparse tonight, so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. The bartender (and please, people, resist the temptation to use the upside-down mirror hanging just over the bar to look down her cleavage—Jesus is watching you, too!) recommends the Burnside Mule ($7), a sort of ginger-infused vodka tonic, which is quite good. Martin’s Point ($7), a rum drink with orange, pineapple and grenadine, is pretty good as well, if a little on the sweet side. Other drinks are still works in progress, like The Cool ($7), a cucumber-infused vodka cocktail. At least the bartender is kind enough to warn us off No. 1101 ($8), a black-pepper tequila concoction featuring pomegranate and lime. I’m unclear if she’s talking about the drink or the establishment when she says, “I’m not sure what the owner’s vision for this one is...it still needs a little work.” Amen, sister.